Work In Progress

Mike Erre, teaching pastor of Rock Harbor Church in Costa Mesa, CA, and noted author, wrote a book titled, Why Guys Need God. This book has much to say about the innate struggle that there is something wrong with man (more specifically men), why they chase after things (bigger paychecks, better homes, women) to define who they are as men. I realize not everyone struggles with these issues, but maybe you have at one time or another. I know that I'd be lying if I said that these issues weren't still a constant tug-o-war for me personally.

Before I begin, let me say that it is only recently (unfortunately) that I realized everything pales in comparison to Scripture when looking for true answers, true direction and true healing. I find myself drawn to Scripture more these days than prior, but only because I realized that most of the secondary resources I turned to only offered a shadow of the real thing. Nevertheless, I believe God has given His people the ability to write and share their hearts. It's through those writings we find ourselves and it is in those places we share commonality with others who have been where we are now and maybe where we once were.

Erre quotes psychologist Larry Crab (The Silence of Adam: Becoming Men of Courage in a World of Chaos) who argues men generally relate to others in one of two fundamental patterns. Some guys are ruled by a passion for neediness and others by a passion for toughness. This idea says first that men who are ruled by neediness require something from people and relationships in their lives. Secondly, men ruled by toughness go the opposite extreme and pretend not to need anyone at all. Immediately, the image of these two men look something like a twenty-five year old "emo" kid who is still waiting around for his garage band to make it big (meanwhile writing sad songs that are so artistic nobody understand them) while the other is a mixture William Wallace (Braveheart) meets Maximus Decimus Aurelius (Gladiator). Who doesn't want to be the latter?

Erre argues that both types are controlling and manipulative.......and both need the redemption of Jesus to reorient themselves to others. Things have changed these days since it seems like today men are supposed to be more sensitive, tenderhearted, caring as opposed to the days my dad grew up in that said real men don't need anyone and they definitely don't cry. This guys' need is obvious and has not chosen to mask it. Nevertheless, Erre states that both men are needy.

"The tough guy is needy because he demands something from his relationships Something within them is broken or missing, and they insist that others meet that need. They require those around them to treat them or respond to them in a certain way. These men manipulate others (consciously or not) in order to get the desired response from them. They may appear incredibly masculine, or come across as having it all together, bu their aim is the same regardless of their appearance: They want to get something from another person" (p. 149).

Prior to this I would have never described myself as needy. I know it's hard for people to believe that I'm not the typification of masculinity, but I've never been needy or dependent on any particular person for affirmation (or at least I thought). While reading this book, what began to hit me was that I want approval. For one reason or another, and for as much as I fend it off now, I don't feel as if I ever have enough. Growing up I wanted the approval of my parents, my teachers, my coaches, my friends, and girls. Now, it falls mostly on my wife and maybe some people I deem the need to be considered worthy. If you're like me, you've probably bought the lie that says the desire to rule over others only plays itself out in the form of abuse (emotionally, verbally, physically, sexually) that demands submission. What I've realized is that I too have abused power and control.

Erre says, "When we are weak, broken, and needy, we desire, above all else, to escape and feel differently" (p.152). In essence, when we encounter areas of weakness, we quickly move to areas of strength. This kind of strength is not a place where we're built up, but rather it's the place in which we feel we can control, manipulate, and have power over the situation. These areas are often avenues for sin. It's why men compete. Well, it's probably not the only reason, but through competition we finally get to measure ourselves up against others. This can be a good thing, but it most definitely can be a bad thing. Just last night I was sharing with my wife how I feel like I'm always comparing. I compare my life, my age, my job, my hair loss, my car, you name it....I compared it. It's often the reason why some guys shy away from it all together. The fear of never measuring up can be frustrating and ultimately leave you insecure about the thing in which men are concerned with most around other men...........their manhood. Erre says that, "Somewhere deep within his soul, every man struggles to feel adequate. Manhood is made, not born" (p.152).

In essence, the natural tendency of a man's heart is to run from weakness into some form of strength that always turns out to be a shadow of the real thing. Until I noticed my weakness is not what defines me or that it isn't a mark against my masculinity, did I began to strive less to control my situation or have power over things and people. I'm the first to admit that I haven't arrived. In my mind I've barely even progressed, but I know that my source of strength, as a man, comes only through Christ who has set me free from being enslaved to my sin as well as the need to feel adequate because in Him is my identity found.

If this post seems at all scatter brained, it's because it was. I just knew I had to get what was going on in my head out of me so that just maybe I could make any sense of it. I guess I just needed to see the work in progress. Romans 8:28