Distracted

I’m a pretty distracted person (the understatement of the year). What I mean is that it doesn’t take much for my mind to wander and for my thoughts to lead down a road that is often time-consuming and even unhealthy (candy is my kryptonite). Even today as I attempt to write down my thoughts I’m distracted by the traffic coming in and out of my “second office”. It usually includes a parade of random people drawn by the same addiction to pump caffeine through their veins (no judgment…just simply stating a fact).

So, it is no wonder that I have a hard time paying attention. I never notice my lack of focus until I speak to someone who is just as distracted as me. Talking to people like this is pretty much pointless. You and I know they aren’t listening. I think most people know, but we keep talking hoping our distracted “listener” will jump back in at some point of our “conversation”. I’m well aware of this dance because I do it all the time. And for anyone reading this just know that I’ve “NEVER” done that with you. ;)

As I dwelled on how distracted I was even writing that last two paragraphs, I began to “wonder” (that’s code for being distracted) how often I am truly present with people. I realize how annoying it is when someone isn’t present with me, but it made me think of how truly rude I’ve been during conversation with friends, family, my wife, and even my 3-year-old son. Even during these few short minutes I’ve checked Facebook, Twitter, and the instant message chat I’m having with my wife (did I mention how rude I am?). It’s a problem, I know. I don’t like it. I don’t want to be this way. And I refuse to say, “that’s just the way I am”, because I hate (that’s so harsh…..how about “strongly dislike”) that phrase when applied to things I can change but choose not to.

But all this talk about being distracted and how I’m not fully present even with my own family made me wonder (again, code), “Is this how I am with God?” I had to ask myself, “Am I present with God?” I think of all the times I’ve fallen asleep praying in bed, on the floor, on the couch, standing up, in the car (that last one is true and I hate to admit that). And then I’m like, “I’m an idiot! How can I ever be truly connected with God if I’m not even present with Him?” Then to add insult to injury God shows me this passage in Hebrews.

“In the days of his flesh, Jesus offered up prayers and supplications, with loud cries and tears, to him who was able to save him from death, and he was heard because of his reverence.” (Hebrews 5:7)

The part that stuck out to me was “and he heard because of his reverence.” Who heard? God heard. Why? Because of his reverence. Who’s reverence? Jesus’ reverence.

So, because of Jesus’ reverence, because of his deep respect and devotion toward God the Father, God heard his prayers, humble pleading, cries and tears.

God heard Jesus’ prayers because of his reverence. If this is true then it implies something here. That maybe there are times when God doesn’t hear us. I know that doesn’t sound right. But the Bible is filled with the evidence that shows God doesn’t listen to all of our prayers for one reason or another. And I began to wonder, with all that is going on in my life, that maybe He’s not hearing mine because of my lack of reverence. Maybe he isn’t listening to me because I’m so distracted by everything else in my life that it’s caused a disconnect between Him and me. I don’t want to admit this, but the more I think about it and the more I study it, the more I believe the convicting truth that maybe God isn’t listening to me.

Often times God tells His people to shut it down. Shut the doors, shut the noise, shut your mouths, and stop giving me lip service. He tells His people time and time again that we should fear Him, revere him, and honor Him. And not with our words, not with our noise, but with our hearts, with our minds, and with our actions. And honestly, I can’t say I’ve been doing that. I want so badly for Him to give me clear direction, yet I’m so completely distracted by other things I don’t even give adequate time to revere Him. I am not fully present with Him nor do I truly realize my dependency on the fact that He deserves all of me and my response to that is, “here’s 5 minutes, God. I’ll try to squeeze you into my schedule if there’s time.” Jesus realized His dependency. He realized it in the days of his flesh. My prayer is that I can too.

To be continued……

How Long?

Psalm 13

I’m pretty sure many of the psalmists in the bible were bi-polar. Not that they were any different than most of us today, but it seems in one instance they’ll be singing how faithful God’s love is and how it endures “forever”, but in the very same breath will scream out, “where are you?” (paraphrase). It sounds funny when it’s put that way, but the truth is that there is a lot about God I don’t understand. So, when a psalmist declares his own personal anguish and struggle out loud for everyone to hear, it resonates with my soul. Not because I’m clinically bi-polar (the lab results are still out on that one), but that I can relate to how he feels.

I love God. I definitely have no question in my mind, in my heart, or in my soul that He is real and that He loves me more than I could ever understand. But what I wrestle with most is comprehension. Maybe that’s a theme with me. I have very poor reading comprehension skills. Always have and probably always will. It doesn’t keep me from reading though. Actually, if anything it keeps me reading more because I want to improve. But when it comes to God there is much I do not understand. I do not understand His ways, His thoughts, His love, or His nature at times. But I do know that He has always been faithful to me. I know that He’s always acted in His time, not mine. And when He has it’s always been perfect. I do know with confidence that I can trust Him.

It’s why I have no doubt many of the psalmist would cry out, “how long” instead of “why?” Sure, the two may be very similar in definition, but the connotation is much different. With a “why” it implies feelings of doubt, distrust, disbelief and even despair almost demanding that God give an explanation for why He does or doesn’t do what He does or doesn’t do (you may need to read that again). But with a “how long” it implies that God is capable of doing something about their present struggle. It implies the confidence that God is not only capable, but in His time will move to bring relief, healing, restoration, comfort, and hope.

I believe the psalmists, although crying out with agony and desperation, knew in their inner being that God could be trusted. I believe they were completely honest with their feelings, yet knew that God was sovereign. I’m trying to be more like them these days. Trying to be as raw as I can with God in my prayers and writing, but confident and hopeful that He can be trusted with my life and all the mess that I’ve made of it. After all, He does know it much better than I ever will and for that I will as the psalmist says, “trust in His unfailing love; rejoice in His salvation”, for truly He has been good to me.

Who's Keeping Track?

“If you, LORD, kept a record of sins, Lord, who could stand?” – Psalm 130:3

Have you ever wondered if God kept a record of all of our sins? I know it says He doesn’t, but what if He did? Just the thought of it makes me squirm in my seat. To think that God would keep account of everything we’ve ever said, done, thought, and how incriminating those details being known by others would cause me to have an anxiety attack. I remember someone once asking an audience I happened to be sitting in, “What if God had video of your life? What would we see?” Again….my thoughts were horror, dismay, shock, fear, and stress. Of course, it wouldn’t be very different than what we see at the movie theatre or on T.V. shows, but if everyone knew how really corrupt our hearts, how depraved our minds, how fractured our soul, most of us would be so overwhelmingly horrified with guilt, shame, and feelings of judgment. Or maybe you’d make a hit television show on MTV! The title would be, “insert your city name Shore” minus the whole “guilt, shame, fractured soul” part.

But I think it’s exactly what the psalmist is saying in this verse. Who could stand? Who could present themselves as righteous, justified, virtuous, or good? Answer: No one. And in that answer it makes us no different than the person next to us. In that answer it demonstrates God’s overwhelming love, grace, mercy, and forgiveness. Later, the psalmist even notes, “But with you there is forgiveness” (Psalm 130:4).

Knowing this simple truth of God’s character is so comforting. But if I do nothing with this knowledge then it doesn’t make me very wise. For wisdom is only attained if we apply the knowledge we’ve gained (hey, that rhymes!). If God’s promise to us is forgiveness if we come to Him in faith, then what should burst forth from us is thanksgiving, gratitude, worship, and an overwhelming joy that He has made us new.

But it doesn’t just end there. Forgiveness is the heart of God He most assuredly looks upon us with compassion. He has no judgment for those who come in faith. But what about us? We’re so willing and quick to accept His forgiveness, yet were so hesitant to extend that forgiveness to others. We say things like, “Well, you don’t know how they’ve wronged me.” True, I don’t. But I know how we’ve wronged God, yet He so gracious to us holding no record of all the stuff we say, do, and think. We’re so quick to cast judgment on someone else forgetting that nobody gave that job to us. Who could stand if a record of our wrongs were kept? Answer: No one! Not a single one of us. And for that there is much rejoicing, freedom, and worship of our God’s great love for His people.

What Did I Just Sign Up For?

When I first came to faith in Christ I wasn't sure of all that I had signed up for. I remember the Sunday after praying something that included me asking for forgiveness and inviting Christ into my life where people were approaching me with great joy as if I had just won the lottery congratulating me and hoisting me up on their shoulders (okay...maybe that's a stretch). Again, I wasn't sure what I was doing but I knew I was doing something. Correction: God was doing something. I just thought it was me.

It was then I was introduced to this concept of grace. All I ever heard taught from the pastors was that grace was something we didn't deserve. Okay....what does that mean, really? Growing up in a heavily, entitlement-saturated environment such as ours makes it extremely difficult to grasp this concept. I believed that I deserved EVERYTHING I had including things I didn't have. I believed that I deserved:
- to date the girl that I thought was "the one" (even though she had no clue who I was).
- to be drafted by a Major League baseball team (preferably the Dodgers) because of my mad skillz (the 'z' is for emphasis).
- to get into any college I wanted (truth be told, I didn't really want to go to college).
- to have a job (only if I got injured playing MLB and was forced to find work elsewhere) that would pay me an exorbitant amount of cash for doing close to nothing (did I mention I was dumb?).

These were only a few things I believed to which I was entitled. So, when I heard this concept called grace it took me a while to understand it. And when I mean "a while" I mean it's been 14 years and I'm barely scratching the surface. Why? Well, besides being slow, I'm also stubborn. And in addition to being stubborn I'm also easily influenced by my own fractured tendency to lean towards things that destroy me (can I get an "Amen"?). Needless to say the odds have always been against me. But it took so long to realize this because I needed to fully grasp my own depravity (although I'm not sure if I'll ever comprehend this).

Grace defined means, "the freely given, unmerited favor and love of God; the condition of being in God's favor or one of the elect."

It wasn't until I recognized my own depraved state was I able to truly appreciate what grace meant, but more importantly, what grace does and how I now can live underneath it. Pastor and author Steve Furtick says, "Grace will never lead you to continue doing the very thing it just rescued you from."

I think that's a pretty cool quotation. Why? Because it's biblical. Sure, we can sin and give into our evil desires (which I still do), but the more I realize the fractured state of my soul, the more I realize my need to be rescued. Which in turn helps me realize my need of salvation, of redemption, of mercy, and forgiveness. Truthfully, the more God shines the light on my brokenness, the more grateful I live. There is no more need to hide because I now realize that God showed His unmerited favor while I had no desire to acknowledge Him. And this simple truth now causes my heart to be filled with joy, with gratefulness, with thanksgiving, with worship, with adoration, and with a desire to carry His name well. Not because he's given me some special ability, or mad skillz, or talent, but based on the realization of my dependence on a God who has chosen me and has called me His own. This truth overwhelms everyday.....as it should.

Number 6:22-26
²²The LORD spoke to Moses, saying, ²³"Speak to Aaron and his sons, saying, Thus you shall bless the people of Israel: you shall say to them, ²⁴The LORD bless you and keep you; ²⁵the LORD make his face to shine upon you and be gracious to you; ²⁶the LORD lift up his countenance upon you and give you peace.

What does grace mean to you?

I'm Not a Nerd

Let me begin by saying that I’m a sorry excuse for a nerd. I don’t claim to have a nerd card or membership to anything nerdy. However, I do enjoy nerd things. I like nerdy video games and nerdy movies. One that has really gotten my attention as of late is the last installment of a book series that has been around since 1997. I’m referring to the Harry Potter series by J. K. Rowling. As of today I haven’t seen or read the ending of this incredible series just yet, but my plan to do so is approaching. Although I haven't read any of the books, I am currently reading the last book so that I might be able to have a better understanding for the how the story will conclude. I admit that it’s odd that I’ve chosen to read the last book when I haven’t read any of the other six books preceding this one, but whatever. I’m enjoying it.

I can’t say that I’ve ever quoted fiction, so this might be a first. In the Chamber of Secrets Dumbledore tells Harry, “It is our choices, Harry, that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.” I don’t know why this quotation lodged itself in my head, but I felt like I should probably write out my thoughts.

Living in a culture that prides itself on ability, talents, and skill, I find it extremely difficult to not judge who I am and who others are based on anything else. We tend to be attracted to those with the greatest ability, special talents, and unique skills that clearly propel one above another. Take singing for example. We thrust those that have amazingly beautiful voices upon a pedestal, upon a stage, in front of a microphone so that we can hear their giftedness. I think it’s a wonderful gift that should be enjoyed and appreciated by others for sure. But what about those who don’t have that ability? What about those who can’t play an instrument, who can’t play a sport, who don’t have a crafted skill that would cause someone to notice? I mean, do we really value those who have special abilities over those who don’t? The answer, I believe, is yes! We actually pay attention more, give more time, more money, more value to those who stand out in these talented and skillful ways. It’s what we do. It’s difficult not to do this in a culture that is permeated with attributing value and importance to individualism for the sake of pleasure, enjoyment, and satisfaction.

I know God has given me gifts. I believe He’s given us all gifts and talents. I know that He’s allowed me to discover abilities that I never thought I had and I’m truly thankful that He’s done so. But so what? In the movie, Dumbledore mentions this phrase about how our choices show us what we truly are because he was trying to get Harry to understand that as talented, skillful, and as powerful as he is, it’s not those things that make him who he is. It’s how he chooses to use those abilities that reveals to others, and himself, that are the most telling and the most rewarding.

The thing I struggle with when it comes to this area is the war I fight in myself to not be someone else. I have to battle in my mind and I my heart to not compare myself to someone I admire because their talent far exceeds my own. It’s been difficult as of late, but God is continuing to remind me who I am not. It’s been painful, but it’s also been freeing. Expectations I’ve placed on myself have weighed on my shoulders for years. Most of those expectations have been based on my ability, talents, and skills. And what I’ve realized is that none of those things really matter in the end. My talents do not make me who I am. My talents don’t bring any value to my soul. But it is in the choices that I make where my character is revealed. A character that is in the process of being refined in a fire that God continues to burn in me. It’s what has been truly satisfying my soul these days and I hope all the days of my life.

It's Been a While

*It's been a really long time since I've posted anything. I wouldn't say this is a typical post, but thoughts rather that resemble more of a journal entry.

"A person will worship something, have no doubt about that.....That which dominates our imaginations and our thoughts will determine our lives, and our character. Therefore, it behooves us to be careful what we worship, for what we are worshiping we are becoming."
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

I'm often convicted by this quotation because it forces me to take a long hard look at my life in a very objective way. There is no doubt that we all worship for it's why we were made. We could deny this until we're dead, but the truth is we all place something or someone as most important in our life. We spend time, money, attention, and affection filling our days with things we love. But it's in that moment (thanks to Emerson) when I think about what actually dominates my imagination, my thoughts, my life, and my character that leaves me filling ashamed.

I'd like to say that God is my all in all. I'd like to say that God is my everything. I mean, I sing songs where words like these are present, but I'd be lying if I said that He dominates my thoughts, my affections or my life. I'd also like to think I'm other-oriented. I'd like to say my wife and son dominate my imagination, but that isn't the case either. Which leads me to think, "what kind of life am I leading?" If that which dominates my my imagination and thoughts determines my life and character, what's actually dominating me?

Well, the short answer is..........me. When I get up in the morning I usually think about me. I think about my day, I think about what I need to do today, I think about how my back hurts and I need to get that massages I keep complaining about. I think about my stomach and how I need to fill it. I think about my work and how very little I'm getting accomplished as social media and sports news burn my time. I think about the fun I want to have playing video games and wished how I had more time to play more. I think about the gym and how I need to leave work at a certain time to be there by a certain time so that I can be home by a certain time so that I can then leave by a certain time. And what bothers me the most when taking a look at my life is how remarkably true Emerson's words ring true.

What we worship we are becoming............so unbelievably true. So undeniably apparent in my life. Which is why God's word is so overwhelmingly filling and satisfying. It's why God's incomparable grace and love are in a class of their own. It's why an infinite Creator God can fix what's broken inside of me. Knowing I'm really nothing, yet God bids me is so amazing. Being so wretched in my wants and desires, yet He draw me unto Himself by no credit of my own because He loves me. It makes my heart want to worship Him in those moments. Not because I want to become Him, but because in Him I find my true identity.