Valued Communication

     As the year is coming to an end I’m trying to plan for next year and what I really want to write about. This blog was originally intended to be nothing more than a place for me to express my thoughts, experiences, and maybe even vent a little bit (that hasn’t happened all that much). It was created with the hope that someone might stumble upon it and connect with something I shared and find out that they’re not alone in this life. But the purpose in that would be that readers would ultimately discover that there is a God, a Creator, an all-knowing and all-powerful being who is mindful of humanity. Hence the name “mindful of me.”

     The goal for next year remains the same, but it may include some very specific things such as singleness, relationships, dating, premarital and marital topics. When I wrote the last post a lot of things stirred up in me that caused me to reflect on my life. I’m a communications major who pursued a master’s degree in interpersonal communication (although I didn’t finish the program). If you knew my upbringing at all you would know that this area was not a strong suit (which may have been the reason I was so drawn to it). If my family were good at something communicatively, it would have been arguing and yelling (and anything sports related). It wasn’t that we didn’t know how to communicate we just didn’t know how to do that competently and effectively. As I studied my family history I could see how this ineffectiveness had been passed on from generation to generation. What I learned by studying my family’s communication history was that it explained why I grew up speaking and listening the way I did. It helped make sense as to why disagreements often escalated resulting in hurt, pain, and deterioration. The benefit in this research and discovery was the fact that I realized it could end with me. It didn’t have to be passed on to my kids. But the only way that I could ensure this wouldn’t happen would be to make significant changes in my life.

     Just because your family has a history of something (dysfunctional communication, anger, alcohol, abuse, etc.) it doesn’t mean it must continue. Sure, there are certain things that are passed on in our DNA (looks, laughs, voice, height, male pattern baldness J). When it comes to communication, this is an area that can change. Except that this kind of change comes with great difficulty.

     You realize how difficult this is in your interpersonal relationships that aren’t even at an intimate level. We all have very close friends (hopefully…..maybe one close friend). It is likely that we will have no problem spending the entire day with said friend(s). We might even spend a weekend away together celebrating an occasion. But that’s really when it’s time to part ways and go home to your sanctuary because you really can’t take much more of them. However, sometimes people feel like it would be a good idea and become roommates. What first sounds like a great idea and opportunity to share expenses, household chores and have more financial freedom, often results in a communication nightmare. The first week goes really well. Both of you are trying to adjust to the new bathroom schedule and bedtimes/wake up times. There might be times occasions you realize that that they keep their room a certain way that’s different than how you keep yours. You may open the fridge and find that the food you saved last night is no longer where you left it. You might also open up the cupboards and pick out your favorite snack and realize there is only one cookie left and it’s more crumbs than anything else. You may also find out things at the most inopportune times. Like when using the bathroom you discover that your new roommate forgot to replace the toilet paper and to your dismay there are no extra roles underneath the sink.

     These are all scenarios that people encounter when living with another person. Which makes good interpersonal communication skills an extremely valuable asset/tool. In a friendship relationship these things will most certainly get addressed sooner than if the relationship was an intimate one. The reason is that a couple is usually blinded by their feeling of “love” for each other. You’re often less concerned if they leave the toilet seat up, leave a mountain of clothes on the floor, stack clutter all over the kitchen table or drink directly out of the milk carton. Your idiosyncrasies are forgivable because they “love you just the way you are” (Billy Joel anyone?) But the problem with this is that it often delays couples from communicating early and often when problems arise. I’ve counseled more couples whose metaphorical house was completely engulfed in flames when they should have come to me when the fire was contained to the kitchen stove. Why do couples do this? Because it’s usually how things were done in the home they grew up in. Issues weren’t discussed. No one asked for help. No one sought real change (especially communicatively). Before long the deterioration goes on for so long there is slim chance for repair and termination looms.

     Well, now doesn’t that sound happy and fun (it better not)? I sincerely hope to have at least heightened the value of interpersonal communication. I know I haven’t really provided you with any tools, but stay tuned in the posts to come. I’m not expert in the study of communication. Even though I teach it, I’m still not a professional. I tell all my students that just because I teach communication courses it doesn’t mean I’m the greatest communicator to have ever lived. I teach communication because I value it tremendously. It’s because I value it that I study it more. My hope is to pass on this value to you and your family. I’m still working to become a more competent and effective communicator (that will never end). I’m still studying my family and each members’ communication style. It’s very easy to critique them and offer suggestions as to how to “fix” their dysfunction. But it’s extremely difficult to change my own. Isn’t that the truth for all of us?
     I want to be changed. I want to be transformed. I want to be renewed into all that God wants me to be (Romans 8). But it must first come by submission. Submission to the fact that I don’t have it all together. Submission to the fact that I am a work in progress and that there are some much needed renovations in my life that still need to be done (and may never be complete this side of eternity). If we can start there I believe we have made significant transformative progress. It will be through moments like this where we may find God’s personal touch in our life. I think that it’s not only a great place to be, but a perfect place to live.

I Choose You

“You will always want your husband to be doing more than he is and he will always wants you to be more than you are.” – Matt Chandler

     I have issues. It goes without saying really, but for some reason people think I don’t. When they meet my wife they immediately think how wonderful she is because, well, she is! But guess what…..she has issues too! We all have them. We all struggle with them. We all try to war against them trying to either suppress or ignore them. We hope that in time they will somehow magically disappear. In my experience those issues hardly ever go away. If anything they multiply. They’re like gremlins (random 80’s reference). Just add water and there is suddenly an infestation.

     A good friend once told me that I needed to completely focus my time on writing about dating/engagement/marital issues. They said that there aren’t many blogs that explore this topic well enough for those who are in the thick of it. I’m not sure that I’m qualified to do something like that, but it most certainly interests me. If there has been something I wanted to champion it is strong relationships within marriage. Not because of the high divorce rate (although that’s a great reason), but because there is something about the greater picture of God’s plan that is on display in a martial relationship (I’m sure I heard that somewhere). I remembering hearing Matt Chandler speaking on marriage and he said,  “You will always want your husband to be doing more than he is and he will always want you to be more than you are.” There is so much about this that I’m not sure it can be captures in in one post, so this might be part one of many.

     There is something to the idea of complementary roles that husbands and wives tend to have. This last statement isn’t meant to stir up a debate on gender roles in the household. I’m not advocating an egalitarian or a complementation view of male and female roles. My point is to highlight that we are each created equally yet uniquely distinct. This applies to everyone. When it comes to the distinctions that Chandler makes, I tend to agree if it’s applied as a generalization. Not every woman wants her husband to be doing more than he is. Some actually want him to be more than they are (I’m not the only parent in this house!). The opposite is true as well. Not every man wants his wife to be more than she is. Some actually want her to simply do more (you can’t work full-time and cook me dinner?!). But if I can speak in general, this quotation sums it up really well.

     When you enter into marriage you bring all of these expectations into your home. These expectations are often based on experiences in your own families. But some of these expectations can be grossly distorted by a variety of unhealthy influences. When a couple decides to commit to each other for the rest of their lives they usually do not consider the fact that their spouse will never measure up to those expectations. He will never do everything she wants. She will never be everything he wants. This isn’t what most single adults want to hear because if you truly consider these things you may be completely turned off to marriage all together. But the power of marriage that is powerfully lasting is when a couple can come to the point where they realize that their expectation may never be met and choose each other anyway.

     I may not have chosen my wife with all of her issues in view and I am certain she didn’t choose me with all of my issues in view. If we had I don’t know if we would have jumped in so eagerly. But it’s part of the growth and development portion of marriage people don’t tell you about. You don’t realize that this area will probably take up the rest of your life (this is all without children). So, she may never be everything you want her to be, but who is? He may never do everything you want him to do, but who does?
     A strong healthy relationship will acknowledge these issues exist. A strong healthy relationship will promise to work on them even though it doesn’t come naturally. But most importantly, a strong healthy relationship will choose to love them in all their differences, in all their weaknesses, and in all their insufficiencies.  I think when we learn this we are one step closer to seeing the great love God has for us.  We’re also one step closer to understanding His purpose for marriage.