Who Am I?

Where do I start? Many things have happened since the last time I wrote. Some good, so okay. But

none of the things that have happened in the passed 17 months have been bad. Or so I tell myself. If I were completely honest, the last year has been a struggle. Not a struggle to survive, but a struggle to realize who I am. Some would say they’re one in the same. Going through this myself I can see how that might be the case for some, but if this season of life has taught me anything, it’s that life is really great and that there is more to it than what presently may be giving you difficulty.

Like most people, I spent a good amount of time finding my identity in my job. Not that my job ruled my life, but that my job was a major part of what identified me. For men, it’s basically the only way we can sustain a lasting conversation. I hate asking people what they do for a living even though I still do it. The reason is that I usually get two responses that never seem very beneficial.

The first is from the person who loves their job. They proceed to tell me how great their life is because of their job. This is usually a good thing, but so much of their excitement is wrapped up in how their job makes them a better person (better than you that is). Their job hangs around their neck like a medal (a really big, shiny one that they keep polishing while they talk so you won’t forget it). They’re proud of it because in some sense they earned it, and in another sense because they find their value and worth in it.

The second response is from the person who doesn’t love their job. They are usually very uncomfortable telling you what they do (and try to avoid it like the plague. Maybe even try to change the subject). They’re very strategic in only revealing certain aspects of their job (“I work for Google”). Revealing whom you work for is often a cover to hide what you really do for a living (“I replace the urinal cakes for Google’s bathrooms”). I believe it’s because they don’t identify with scrubbing toilets or taking out the trash. Most don’t by the way. Very few find fulfillment in that (which is why I so appreciate those that do). Often times we don’t have a purpose other than to make money so that we can put food on the table. But most importantly, I believe people are uncomfortable disclosing their occupation because they don’t want you to identify them by their employment. Why? Well, because they don’t want you to base their value and worth in it and because it is most certainly not who they are.

The truth is that no occupation is who we are. Our jobs are not who we are, they are what we do. Our society may gauge our identity by our work but it’s not the truth. No job holds that kind of weight. Consider the President of the United States. I doubt his wife or his kids love him any more because he is the leader of the free world. And I doubt his mother or father would love him any less if he goes down as the worst president in our nations history (this is purely hypothetical and not a political statement). My point being is that it doesn’t matter what he or she does, it’s not who they are.

The most difficult time I’ve had in this season of life has been to find who I really am because I’ve identified myself with my previous job for so long (since I was 20 to be exact). Maybe you’ve done the same thing. Maybe it’s not even a job that you identify with. Maybe it’s your role as a parent or a student. Maybe it’s the weight of responsibility you feel. All of those things are part of what we do, but they aren’t who we are.

I’ve been a Christian since 1997. The year prior I was really having a difficult time. It culminated with some life changing events that caused me to question where I was headed. I surrendered to Jesus in January of that year. I had no clue what it meant to be a Christian, yet I was one. For those who are married you may have experienced a similar thing. The day of your wedding you were single and then a few hours later you were married. You were a husband or a wife in that moment, yet you had no clue what that meant. Maybe you’re a parent. You have also experienced a similar thing. In a moment you had no kids and then your baby is born and instantly you are a mommy or a daddy, yet you have no clue what that even means.

The truth is that you may not understand what it even means to be a mom, dad, husband or wife, but you are. You are those things and now you must learn what it means to do those things well. The same is true of being a Christian. The bible teaches that our identity is found in Christ and in Him alone. The bible uses very specific terms to help us understand who we are in Him.

Ephesians 1:4-5 says, “For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight. In love he predestined us to be adopted as his sons through Jesus Christ in accordance with his pleasure and will.” (NIV)

Identity looks very different for those who put their hope and trust in Jesus. We are chosen, we are holy, we are blameless, we are predestined to be adopted as God’s children.” It is who we are. We may have no idea what that means to live it out yet, but the truth is that it is who we are. Not your job that you hate. Not your occupation that you love. Those are things you do whether you enjoy them or not. Our identity is not found in things we do because there will be a day in our life where we can no longer do them. We try not to think about our mortality too much, but it’s the truth. We will get old some day (some sooner than others) and we will no longer be able to work. What happens then?

We were created with a purpose. God intentionally crafted us for good works. But those works were never intended to be our identity. Our good works are simply an opportunity to offer praise for his glorious grace. That’s the challenge for us. If our identity is truly in Christ, then it doesn’t matter what we do because it will always give us an opportunity to give God the glory that is due.

Not because of who I am

But because of what You’ve done

Not because of what I’ve done

But because of who You are

- Casting Crowns

I Will Wait

I'm very impatient. I don't like waiting for anything. To be honest, I don't think any of us like waiting. When driving our cars we always move over to get in the lane that is shortest. When deciding to check out of a grocery store, we eye the shortest line. Sometimes we even consider getting rid of a few items just so that we can stand in the 10 items or less line. Waiting sucks.

I realize that waiting is difficult for me in many different ways. And it's not because I always like to be first (contrary to what others think), but it's difficult for me because I actually think my timing is better. I think my idea of when things are supposed to happen is better.

I actually believe my plans are better!
............................my idea is better!
............................my timing is better!
............................my schedule is better!
............................my way is better!

This is a difficult truth for me to admit especially after typing it out. It's difficult because I realize how ridiculous it sounds. My wife and I waited 8 years before our son was born. Not because we wanted to wait that long, but because our timing wasn't better. We waited another 4 and a half years for our daughter. Not because we wanted to wait that long, but because our timing wasn't better.

I'm still waiting for lots of different things. I'm sure you are too. In the Bible, God's people did a whole lot of waiting. The Israelites waited a generation for many things. The book of Psalms records psalmist crying out, groaning, and longing for God to move in some mighty way because they grew weary of waiting. I can really resonate with that. But something hit me the other day that was prompted by an individual who does not know me very well (God tends to use the unexpected quite a bit). This individual said to me, "Stop looking ahead to what's next and be where you are." It may not sound like the most profound statement, but it's caused me to rethink a lot of things. I believe those simple words, "be where you are" carry a lot of weight for me. Probably more now than ever before.

So today, I'm trying to be where I am. I'm trying to embrace the now instead of clinging to the hope that's ahead. Not because hope is a bad things to hold onto, but because it often distracts us from what God is doing in us today. I have hope for many things in the future, but I don't want to miss out on today because I'm so focused on tomorrow.

Now I'll be bold as well as strong
And use my head alongside my heart
So tame my flesh and fix my eyes
A tethered mind freed from the lies

But I'll kneel down, wait for now
I'll kneel down know my ground

I will wait, I will wait for you

- Mumford & Sons

A Story That's Telling

I met someone Monday that left an imprint on me. I found myself enthralled as they shared some stories about how God had used them in so many amazing ways. One story included them going up to a random stranger because the Holy Spirit told them to share the gospel of Jesus. Reluctantly they went and after several interactions with this stranger, both bawled their eyes in the middle of the produce section at Albertson’s as this stranger was led to Christ.

There was another story they shared about a vision she had of a lamb falling and injuring itself severely. Immediately this person sprung up and began to pray for their pastor. Unbeknownst to them about 10 minutes later they receive a phone call from a friend at church that their pastor has severely broken his neck and is being air lifted to Loma Linda Medical Center. They prognosis was bad, but initiated by that vision and through the power of prayer God healed this pastor even though the doctors didn’t think it would happen.

This person kept telling me story after story. I never thought the stories would end. And in a way I didn’t want them to end. But what amazed me about this individual was not the miraculous ways in which God used them. No, what amazed me was their excitement and passion and infectious love for Jesus.

So, the first thing I asked myself when I left that meeting was, “Is that how people feel after they’ve spoken with me?”

Honestly, I know the answer. But what’s the solution?

I left that meeting thinking, “How can I be more like this person?” All they did was tell stories. They didn’t exegete a text in Scripture. They didn’t contrast two opposing theologies or use some apologetic strategy to appeal to my interest or sway me to believe a certain way. All I knew is that they knew Jesus. All I knew was that this person truly knew their Father in Heaven. It was evident that this person had a great affection for their God. And all I could think about was how infectious it was. I kept thinking about how my life would look if my affection for him were only a fraction of theirs.

I was moved by this person and their stories. But what moved me the most was their passionate excitement and tender affection for the God who saves; for the God who loves; for the God who redeems. And what I noticed about this child of God was that she emulated that same saving grace, unfailing love, and redemptive compassion that their Father possess. It was truly like speaking to one of His own.

John 13:35

Anyone There?

It’s been so long that I’ve almost forgotten what it’s like to express all that is going on in my life. It seems these days I’ve been bottling up everything inside. So, now everything on my inside wants to be on my outside (inside joke).

I was reading something today that had nothing to do with writing, yet it inspired me to sit down in front of my computer and type away. The following words may seem a bit jumbled, but I believe in some way it will be therapeutic for me. Not for healing sake, but for growth sake (if that makes any sense).

I created this blog mostly to share some of my joys and frustrations in life. Another side to this blog was to invite others into areas of my life where God has continued to teach me, break me, mold me, and redeem me. This space has also been, in many ways, an opportunity for me to express what going on inside of me (which can be frightening at times). I wish I could explain all that takes place in my mind and heart, but it would truly be nonsensical. Mostly because if you were to hear what goes through my mind before I speak I’d probably be admitted to some institution. So, with gratitude, this blog has forced me to simplify. Specifically, to simplify how fortunate I am that God is truly mindful of me.

As most people who read my blog know, my aim in starting this blog wasn’t to become a skilled writer (duh!). It certainly wasn’t to miraculously become a better speaker (duh again!). But for some reason I had this strong desire to give those who would visit my blog a reason to read. I wanted them to have something of value. I wanted them to have something tangible to set their feet upon, but also to give them hope.

I entered a season in my life not too long ago that has been difficult. I left something very familiar to me, very comfortable, very easy. The least challenging thing for me to do at the time would have been to remain where I was and continue to do what I’ve always done. But I couldn’t do that. Well, I guess I “could” have done that, but I don’t believe that would have been the right thing. I needed to listen. I needed to listen to what God had put on my heart years before. And not only did I need to listen, but I needed to respond to what He was calling me to do. I need to respond as an act of obedience. Not out of obligation, but out of a joyful and trusting obedience acknowledging that God truly is in control.

I think that’s the issue in which one has the most trouble. You want to be in control. Even if you’re not a control freak, you want to have control. You want to dictate what, when, and how you do whatever it is you want to do. So, when God calls, we only want to answer if it’s on our terms. We don’t want to answer on God’s terms. Why? Because it can be too risky. And we don’t want to risk. We want to be obedient of course, but we don’t want obedience that demands an explanation; that demands an account for our actions. We often steer clear of living our lives in a way that requires others to ask, “why?” “Why did you leave? Why did you go? Why are you leaving something that’s so comfortable? So simple? So easy?”

I wish I could give an answer that made sense. But I believe that’s God’s point, isn’t it? We want answers, but only answers that fit our terms. We only want answers that are reasoned our way, by our thoughts, in our time.

This sounds a lot like my 3-year old son to me. He only wants to hear the answers he wants to hear. He only wants to hear the answers that his undeveloped 3-year old brain has mustered up. It’s not that he isn’t a smart kid. It’s just that his ways and his thoughts are not my own. He wants to understand on his terms and often can’t seem to get his mind around why I’m not doing things “his way”.

All I want is my son to realize that there can be a great joy that results by obeying his dad. Not because I want to be a dictator, but because I love him. Because I have a great affection for him. Because I’m mindful of him.

So, I’m in a season right now. A season of relinquishing control. And God is redeeming that in me. He’s allowed me experience things I haven’t experienced in a while. He’s allowed me to enjoy some things I haven’t enjoyed in a while. He’s also allowed me to ache for things I haven’t ached for in a while. And it’s causing me to appreciate Him. He’s giving me perspective. He’s giving me struggle. He’s even giving me pain. But He’s also giving me hope. A hope that my ways can actually become God’s ways.

Isaiah 55:8

Distracted

I’m a pretty distracted person (the understatement of the year). What I mean is that it doesn’t take much for my mind to wander and for my thoughts to lead down a road that is often time-consuming and even unhealthy (candy is my kryptonite). Even today as I attempt to write down my thoughts I’m distracted by the traffic coming in and out of my “second office”. It usually includes a parade of random people drawn by the same addiction to pump caffeine through their veins (no judgment…just simply stating a fact).

So, it is no wonder that I have a hard time paying attention. I never notice my lack of focus until I speak to someone who is just as distracted as me. Talking to people like this is pretty much pointless. You and I know they aren’t listening. I think most people know, but we keep talking hoping our distracted “listener” will jump back in at some point of our “conversation”. I’m well aware of this dance because I do it all the time. And for anyone reading this just know that I’ve “NEVER” done that with you. ;)

As I dwelled on how distracted I was even writing that last two paragraphs, I began to “wonder” (that’s code for being distracted) how often I am truly present with people. I realize how annoying it is when someone isn’t present with me, but it made me think of how truly rude I’ve been during conversation with friends, family, my wife, and even my 3-year-old son. Even during these few short minutes I’ve checked Facebook, Twitter, and the instant message chat I’m having with my wife (did I mention how rude I am?). It’s a problem, I know. I don’t like it. I don’t want to be this way. And I refuse to say, “that’s just the way I am”, because I hate (that’s so harsh…..how about “strongly dislike”) that phrase when applied to things I can change but choose not to.

But all this talk about being distracted and how I’m not fully present even with my own family made me wonder (again, code), “Is this how I am with God?” I had to ask myself, “Am I present with God?” I think of all the times I’ve fallen asleep praying in bed, on the floor, on the couch, standing up, in the car (that last one is true and I hate to admit that). And then I’m like, “I’m an idiot! How can I ever be truly connected with God if I’m not even present with Him?” Then to add insult to injury God shows me this passage in Hebrews.

“In the days of his flesh, Jesus offered up prayers and supplications, with loud cries and tears, to him who was able to save him from death, and he was heard because of his reverence.” (Hebrews 5:7)

The part that stuck out to me was “and he heard because of his reverence.” Who heard? God heard. Why? Because of his reverence. Who’s reverence? Jesus’ reverence.

So, because of Jesus’ reverence, because of his deep respect and devotion toward God the Father, God heard his prayers, humble pleading, cries and tears.

God heard Jesus’ prayers because of his reverence. If this is true then it implies something here. That maybe there are times when God doesn’t hear us. I know that doesn’t sound right. But the Bible is filled with the evidence that shows God doesn’t listen to all of our prayers for one reason or another. And I began to wonder, with all that is going on in my life, that maybe He’s not hearing mine because of my lack of reverence. Maybe he isn’t listening to me because I’m so distracted by everything else in my life that it’s caused a disconnect between Him and me. I don’t want to admit this, but the more I think about it and the more I study it, the more I believe the convicting truth that maybe God isn’t listening to me.

Often times God tells His people to shut it down. Shut the doors, shut the noise, shut your mouths, and stop giving me lip service. He tells His people time and time again that we should fear Him, revere him, and honor Him. And not with our words, not with our noise, but with our hearts, with our minds, and with our actions. And honestly, I can’t say I’ve been doing that. I want so badly for Him to give me clear direction, yet I’m so completely distracted by other things I don’t even give adequate time to revere Him. I am not fully present with Him nor do I truly realize my dependency on the fact that He deserves all of me and my response to that is, “here’s 5 minutes, God. I’ll try to squeeze you into my schedule if there’s time.” Jesus realized His dependency. He realized it in the days of his flesh. My prayer is that I can too.

To be continued……

How Long?

Psalm 13

I’m pretty sure many of the psalmists in the bible were bi-polar. Not that they were any different than most of us today, but it seems in one instance they’ll be singing how faithful God’s love is and how it endures “forever”, but in the very same breath will scream out, “where are you?” (paraphrase). It sounds funny when it’s put that way, but the truth is that there is a lot about God I don’t understand. So, when a psalmist declares his own personal anguish and struggle out loud for everyone to hear, it resonates with my soul. Not because I’m clinically bi-polar (the lab results are still out on that one), but that I can relate to how he feels.

I love God. I definitely have no question in my mind, in my heart, or in my soul that He is real and that He loves me more than I could ever understand. But what I wrestle with most is comprehension. Maybe that’s a theme with me. I have very poor reading comprehension skills. Always have and probably always will. It doesn’t keep me from reading though. Actually, if anything it keeps me reading more because I want to improve. But when it comes to God there is much I do not understand. I do not understand His ways, His thoughts, His love, or His nature at times. But I do know that He has always been faithful to me. I know that He’s always acted in His time, not mine. And when He has it’s always been perfect. I do know with confidence that I can trust Him.

It’s why I have no doubt many of the psalmist would cry out, “how long” instead of “why?” Sure, the two may be very similar in definition, but the connotation is much different. With a “why” it implies feelings of doubt, distrust, disbelief and even despair almost demanding that God give an explanation for why He does or doesn’t do what He does or doesn’t do (you may need to read that again). But with a “how long” it implies that God is capable of doing something about their present struggle. It implies the confidence that God is not only capable, but in His time will move to bring relief, healing, restoration, comfort, and hope.

I believe the psalmists, although crying out with agony and desperation, knew in their inner being that God could be trusted. I believe they were completely honest with their feelings, yet knew that God was sovereign. I’m trying to be more like them these days. Trying to be as raw as I can with God in my prayers and writing, but confident and hopeful that He can be trusted with my life and all the mess that I’ve made of it. After all, He does know it much better than I ever will and for that I will as the psalmist says, “trust in His unfailing love; rejoice in His salvation”, for truly He has been good to me.

Who's Keeping Track?

“If you, LORD, kept a record of sins, Lord, who could stand?” – Psalm 130:3

Have you ever wondered if God kept a record of all of our sins? I know it says He doesn’t, but what if He did? Just the thought of it makes me squirm in my seat. To think that God would keep account of everything we’ve ever said, done, thought, and how incriminating those details being known by others would cause me to have an anxiety attack. I remember someone once asking an audience I happened to be sitting in, “What if God had video of your life? What would we see?” Again….my thoughts were horror, dismay, shock, fear, and stress. Of course, it wouldn’t be very different than what we see at the movie theatre or on T.V. shows, but if everyone knew how really corrupt our hearts, how depraved our minds, how fractured our soul, most of us would be so overwhelmingly horrified with guilt, shame, and feelings of judgment. Or maybe you’d make a hit television show on MTV! The title would be, “insert your city name Shore” minus the whole “guilt, shame, fractured soul” part.

But I think it’s exactly what the psalmist is saying in this verse. Who could stand? Who could present themselves as righteous, justified, virtuous, or good? Answer: No one. And in that answer it makes us no different than the person next to us. In that answer it demonstrates God’s overwhelming love, grace, mercy, and forgiveness. Later, the psalmist even notes, “But with you there is forgiveness” (Psalm 130:4).

Knowing this simple truth of God’s character is so comforting. But if I do nothing with this knowledge then it doesn’t make me very wise. For wisdom is only attained if we apply the knowledge we’ve gained (hey, that rhymes!). If God’s promise to us is forgiveness if we come to Him in faith, then what should burst forth from us is thanksgiving, gratitude, worship, and an overwhelming joy that He has made us new.

But it doesn’t just end there. Forgiveness is the heart of God He most assuredly looks upon us with compassion. He has no judgment for those who come in faith. But what about us? We’re so willing and quick to accept His forgiveness, yet were so hesitant to extend that forgiveness to others. We say things like, “Well, you don’t know how they’ve wronged me.” True, I don’t. But I know how we’ve wronged God, yet He so gracious to us holding no record of all the stuff we say, do, and think. We’re so quick to cast judgment on someone else forgetting that nobody gave that job to us. Who could stand if a record of our wrongs were kept? Answer: No one! Not a single one of us. And for that there is much rejoicing, freedom, and worship of our God’s great love for His people.