It’s been so long that I’ve almost forgotten what it’s like to express all that is going on in my life. It seems these days I’ve been bottling up everything inside. So, now everything on my inside wants to be on my outside (inside joke).
I was reading something today that had nothing to do with writing, yet it inspired me to sit down in front of my computer and type away. The following words may seem a bit jumbled, but I believe in some way it will be therapeutic for me. Not for healing sake, but for growth sake (if that makes any sense).
I created this blog mostly to share some of my joys and frustrations in life. Another side to this blog was to invite others into areas of my life where God has continued to teach me, break me, mold me, and redeem me. This space has also been, in many ways, an opportunity for me to express what going on inside of me (which can be frightening at times). I wish I could explain all that takes place in my mind and heart, but it would truly be nonsensical. Mostly because if you were to hear what goes through my mind before I speak I’d probably be admitted to some institution. So, with gratitude, this blog has forced me to simplify. Specifically, to simplify how fortunate I am that God is truly mindful of me.
As most people who read my blog know, my aim in starting this blog wasn’t to become a skilled writer (duh!). It certainly wasn’t to miraculously become a better speaker (duh again!). But for some reason I had this strong desire to give those who would visit my blog a reason to read. I wanted them to have something of value. I wanted them to have something tangible to set their feet upon, but also to give them hope.
I entered a season in my life not too long ago that has been difficult. I left something very familiar to me, very comfortable, very easy. The least challenging thing for me to do at the time would have been to remain where I was and continue to do what I’ve always done. But I couldn’t do that. Well, I guess I “could” have done that, but I don’t believe that would have been the right thing. I needed to listen. I needed to listen to what God had put on my heart years before. And not only did I need to listen, but I needed to respond to what He was calling me to do. I need to respond as an act of obedience. Not out of obligation, but out of a joyful and trusting obedience acknowledging that God truly is in control.
I think that’s the issue in which one has the most trouble. You want to be in control. Even if you’re not a control freak, you want to have control. You want to dictate what, when, and how you do whatever it is you want to do. So, when God calls, we only want to answer if it’s on our terms. We don’t want to answer on God’s terms. Why? Because it can be too risky. And we don’t want to risk. We want to be obedient of course, but we don’t want obedience that demands an explanation; that demands an account for our actions. We often steer clear of living our lives in a way that requires others to ask, “why?” “Why did you leave? Why did you go? Why are you leaving something that’s so comfortable? So simple? So easy?”
I wish I could give an answer that made sense. But I believe that’s God’s point, isn’t it? We want answers, but only answers that fit our terms. We only want answers that are reasoned our way, by our thoughts, in our time.
This sounds a lot like my 3-year old son to me. He only wants to hear the answers he wants to hear. He only wants to hear the answers that his undeveloped 3-year old brain has mustered up. It’s not that he isn’t a smart kid. It’s just that his ways and his thoughts are not my own. He wants to understand on his terms and often can’t seem to get his mind around why I’m not doing things “his way”.
All I want is my son to realize that there can be a great joy that results by obeying his dad. Not because I want to be a dictator, but because I love him. Because I have a great affection for him. Because I’m mindful of him.
So, I’m in a season right now. A season of relinquishing control. And God is redeeming that in me. He’s allowed me experience things I haven’t experienced in a while. He’s allowed me to enjoy some things I haven’t enjoyed in a while. He’s also allowed me to ache for things I haven’t ached for in a while. And it’s causing me to appreciate Him. He’s giving me perspective. He’s giving me struggle. He’s even giving me pain. But He’s also giving me hope. A hope that my ways can actually become God’s ways.
Isaiah 55:8
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