Forcing Our Fixes

     We all have them. Fixes, that is (not sure that's grammatically correct). Things that aren't working the way we would like them to work. Things that seem a little off; maybe broken. Many people try to mask those things in hopes to hide them from others. Some try to numb the pain that is presently causing their insides to twist and knot. But all have them....all of us have fixes.
     When I was a kid I wanted to help my dad fix things. I knew I wouldn't be of any help, but I just wanted to be around him and watch him fix it. I remember hovering over the engine of a car that he was trying to fix wanting to learn what he knew. Unfortunately, I hovered too closely and was in the way more than anything else. But I knew then that my dad liked to fix things too. I also knew that he didn't necessarily want my help either. I think we're all kind of like that in some way where you don't think you need help, so you try to fix things on your own.
     With all the "experience" I have in attempting to fix my problems, I just so happen to be really great at fixing others' too. Aren't we all (insert sarcasm)? I think I'm actually better at fixing others than I am at fixing me. Well....I'd like to think I am. I certainly have a lot to say about the issues and problems of others than I do for my own. I think if we're honest, we all think we are really good at giving advice to others. Some of us think we're professional problem solvers.....just not very good to listening to our own.
     I've had some really good conversations this week. I've learned a lot over the past couple of days about problems and those who try to fix them. What I gathered was that I'm no different when it comes to trying to fix my own problems. I often say to myself, "I don't want anyone's help, I didn't ask for anyone's help and I certainly don't need anyone's help." It isn't until you realize that every one of these statements are lies that you begin to stop trying to force your fixes.
     Often times our lives feel really messed up. Sometimes it seems like complete chaos, other times it just feels out of sync or rhythm. You're certainly not alone in this. I feel it every so often. Especially when I'm shouldering other's fixes and they're holding in their hands what seems like shattered pieces of their life. They turn to me for help. I do my best to try and offer support and ideas, but what I realize every single time is that there is no way for me to put them back together. We try and try, but we know we can't because that's what many of us try to do on our own and it never works. It's pretty overwhelming when you feel helpless.
     I used to be so frustrated and overwhelmed by my fixes. It wasn't until I realized that I was trying to put something back together that I had no ability to do. It wasn't until I realized that I couldn't fix my brokenness, fractured parts, and missing pieces..........but that God could. It wasn't until I slowed down, opened my hands, and surrendered all of those fragments I was trying to piece together when I realize that it isn't my job to do that; it's His. The moment I realized this a lot of things began to leave me. Things like worry, fear, bitterness, attitudes, self-pity had all been things I was clenching to in hopes to forcibly fix myself. It's one thing to go through this yourself, but it's another thing to watch others go through this too.
     I know I don't have all the answers. But I certainly believe God does. I know that I can't fix others' problems, but I know God can.....because He did it for me. As a matter of fact, He's still doing it. If I don't slow down for a minute, let go of those broken pieces I want to fix so badly, and surrender those over to Him, I'll keep trying to fix something I can never fix. Our souls recognize lack and want it gone so badly. But it's only through the power of the gospel where we can truly find redemption; it's that true deliverance we need.

What Lies Beneath

“But blessed are those who trust in the Lord and have made the Lord their hope and confidence. They are like trees planted along a riverbank, with roots that reach deep into the water. Such trees are not bothered by the heat or worried by long months of drought. Their leaves stay green, and they never stop producing fruit.” – Jeremiah 17:8

     As a child growing up we had a tree in our front yard that we would try to climb when our tennis ball or whiffle ball would get wedged in one of its branches. It was pretty annoying because the branches were so mangled together it made it difficult to squeeze through and tear the ball away from its clutches (yes, they have clutches). Often times my brother and I had to wait days for the wind to knock our ball out, which is probably why we made up a lot of games to occupy the time as we waited for gravity to take its course.

     I had never taken notice or appreciation for trees in my youth. They were always just an obstacle or nuisance preventing me from enjoying my game. There were rare occasions when the shade was appreciated, but never the tree. As a matter of fact, I can’t say I truly appreciate them even now. I see the value now more than I had when I was younger, but I’m not sure I wake up thanking God for creating them (whatever, don’t judge me).

     I can’t say I ever wake up thinking about trees or plant life at all for that matter. However, when I read a passage like the one above and I think of trees and how the bible references them, my thoughts immediately take me back to the beginning in Genesis 2 where there are two trees with great significance and the one in Revelation 22. Then I think of Psalm 1 where the psalmist writes about the trees planted by streams of water. Then there are the palms and cedars mentioned in Psalm 92 including all the references and analogies about how we are to be like trees bearing fruit in our lives.

     With all these wonderful images the Bible uses I often overlook how truly amazing trees really are. Take for example the olive tree. This tree is notable for several reason, namely its branch making a cameo after the flood as well as the mount where Jesus prayed.

     What’s fascinating about this tree when you see it is how incredibly twisted it can grow, especially the ones arborists say are thousands of years old. They’re stumpy, weather-beaten, and have overcome several lifetimes of resistance (sounds like someone I know). But what is so interesting about this incredible tree is that even if its above-ground structure has completely died and has no visible signs of growth, its root systems are so resilient and strong, a living tree can actually restore back to life the parts that seemed beyond recovery (can you see where I’m going?).

      Isn’t that the picture of what the gospel is all about? Redemption, restoration, new life, a much bigger story than we could ever imagine. One where we are not trying to simply pick up the pieces that have fallen apart or completely spliced off, but that deep down underneath the surface, where no one else can see, without the help of our own, where what seemed dead and gone, God brings back to life and restores what could never be restored on its own. He takes all of that was dead, broken, and dried up and beyond repair and saturates that lifeless space over and over again.

     This, my friends, is a picture of what He’s done in my life. It’s what He’s done in my relationship with my wife. It’s what He continually does in our family’s life and it’s what He can do with yours.

The One I Love

     I love my wife! I think she is smart, clever, detailed-oriented, funny, sarcastic (good and bad), and stunningly beautiful. I could go on and on about her qualities and characteristics and about how much I enjoy many things about her. We’ve been married for 14 years and together for almost 18 years (That’s half my life!). I can honestly say that I love her way more than I did the day we got married. It may sound cliché but it’s true. I think she’s smarter than she used to be, she’s way more craftier (and I don’t mean she’s a DIY kind of girl), she’s smarter than I ever knew she was, she’s way more sarcastic than I remember, and her beauty to me is beyond compare.

     Now before you click away after reading all that gush, I want to add that everything you’ve read so far is 100 percent true. But it’s only part of the truth. Let me explain. When my wife and I were dating she could literally do no wrong. She could be mad at me, she could be upset that I did something stupid (which happened a lot), she could splash through an oil spot in a parking lot and then proceed to step inside my vehicle, rub her oily shoes all over my carpet and I couldn’t care less. All I cared about was that she was by my side. All that mattered to me was that she held my hand, told me she loved me, and supported me in what I did (sometimes only of those things were required). Oh the simple life! But the truth is that as the years go on you start to notice things that you could’ve sworn weren’t there before. You wonder, “Did she always chew so loudly?” “Has she always taken so long to get ready?” “Does she really want me to explain everything that happened in my day even though I don’t feel like it?”

     A couple I know that is currently dating told me two weeks ago that they never really fight or argue. I laughed loudly on the inside. I thought to myself, “It’s because you don’t really know her/him yet.” Instead I just smiled and said, “Good for you! But don’t worry if you do because disagreements are a part of being human.” It was my way of saying, “Don’t worry because it’s going to hit you like a wrecking ball when you least expect it! So, buckle up!” I couldn’t use those words because I didn’t want to scare them. Plus, at this stage of their relationship they wouldn’t receive a comment like that anyway.

     The truth about being human is that disagreement, arguing, heated discussions, and conflicts are a part of every long-term relationship. Avoiding them only prolongs the inevitable. They don’t all look the same and they are not always healthy, but they happen. They happen to good, healthy relationships and a lot more often than you think.

     My wife and I just returned from a vacation that was restful, relaxing, and fun. But mixed in between all that rest and fun were moments of discord. It was minimal, but they were certainly present. Our moments of conflict look much different than they did 10 years ago, but they are there and we acknowledge every one of them. We address them, we hash them out (sometimes longer than we like), but most importantly we learn and grow from them. I can’t say that growth and maturity are always the outcome, but as we continue to work on our relationship and marriage it’s certainly our desire.

     I know my wife and I still have much to learn. Her parents have been married for 37 years and mine for 41. We are surrounded by some fantastic marriages and wonderful examples. Our marriage is barely entering adolescence. We have lots of changes to go through and a lifetime of things to discover. But what I’ve learned so far is that I wouldn’t want to do all of this with anyone else. My wife is a different person today than she was 18 years ago. I’d like to think I am too. When I first fell in love with her I really thought I loved her. But what I’ve learned over the years is that I was in love with my idea of her (a very one-dimensional thing; and all the good things at that!). It wasn’t until I began to discover the parts she had kept at a deeper level, the part that only God knew (that fully known part), have I been able to fall in love with all of her. That sort of discovery takes time, dedication, and commitment to fully know someone as well as to be fully known and loved by them. What’s fascinating by it all is that it’s a lot like being loved by God.

Valued Communication

     As the year is coming to an end I’m trying to plan for next year and what I really want to write about. This blog was originally intended to be nothing more than a place for me to express my thoughts, experiences, and maybe even vent a little bit (that hasn’t happened all that much). It was created with the hope that someone might stumble upon it and connect with something I shared and find out that they’re not alone in this life. But the purpose in that would be that readers would ultimately discover that there is a God, a Creator, an all-knowing and all-powerful being who is mindful of humanity. Hence the name “mindful of me.”

     The goal for next year remains the same, but it may include some very specific things such as singleness, relationships, dating, premarital and marital topics. When I wrote the last post a lot of things stirred up in me that caused me to reflect on my life. I’m a communications major who pursued a master’s degree in interpersonal communication (although I didn’t finish the program). If you knew my upbringing at all you would know that this area was not a strong suit (which may have been the reason I was so drawn to it). If my family were good at something communicatively, it would have been arguing and yelling (and anything sports related). It wasn’t that we didn’t know how to communicate we just didn’t know how to do that competently and effectively. As I studied my family history I could see how this ineffectiveness had been passed on from generation to generation. What I learned by studying my family’s communication history was that it explained why I grew up speaking and listening the way I did. It helped make sense as to why disagreements often escalated resulting in hurt, pain, and deterioration. The benefit in this research and discovery was the fact that I realized it could end with me. It didn’t have to be passed on to my kids. But the only way that I could ensure this wouldn’t happen would be to make significant changes in my life.

     Just because your family has a history of something (dysfunctional communication, anger, alcohol, abuse, etc.) it doesn’t mean it must continue. Sure, there are certain things that are passed on in our DNA (looks, laughs, voice, height, male pattern baldness J). When it comes to communication, this is an area that can change. Except that this kind of change comes with great difficulty.

     You realize how difficult this is in your interpersonal relationships that aren’t even at an intimate level. We all have very close friends (hopefully…..maybe one close friend). It is likely that we will have no problem spending the entire day with said friend(s). We might even spend a weekend away together celebrating an occasion. But that’s really when it’s time to part ways and go home to your sanctuary because you really can’t take much more of them. However, sometimes people feel like it would be a good idea and become roommates. What first sounds like a great idea and opportunity to share expenses, household chores and have more financial freedom, often results in a communication nightmare. The first week goes really well. Both of you are trying to adjust to the new bathroom schedule and bedtimes/wake up times. There might be times occasions you realize that that they keep their room a certain way that’s different than how you keep yours. You may open the fridge and find that the food you saved last night is no longer where you left it. You might also open up the cupboards and pick out your favorite snack and realize there is only one cookie left and it’s more crumbs than anything else. You may also find out things at the most inopportune times. Like when using the bathroom you discover that your new roommate forgot to replace the toilet paper and to your dismay there are no extra roles underneath the sink.

     These are all scenarios that people encounter when living with another person. Which makes good interpersonal communication skills an extremely valuable asset/tool. In a friendship relationship these things will most certainly get addressed sooner than if the relationship was an intimate one. The reason is that a couple is usually blinded by their feeling of “love” for each other. You’re often less concerned if they leave the toilet seat up, leave a mountain of clothes on the floor, stack clutter all over the kitchen table or drink directly out of the milk carton. Your idiosyncrasies are forgivable because they “love you just the way you are” (Billy Joel anyone?) But the problem with this is that it often delays couples from communicating early and often when problems arise. I’ve counseled more couples whose metaphorical house was completely engulfed in flames when they should have come to me when the fire was contained to the kitchen stove. Why do couples do this? Because it’s usually how things were done in the home they grew up in. Issues weren’t discussed. No one asked for help. No one sought real change (especially communicatively). Before long the deterioration goes on for so long there is slim chance for repair and termination looms.

     Well, now doesn’t that sound happy and fun (it better not)? I sincerely hope to have at least heightened the value of interpersonal communication. I know I haven’t really provided you with any tools, but stay tuned in the posts to come. I’m not expert in the study of communication. Even though I teach it, I’m still not a professional. I tell all my students that just because I teach communication courses it doesn’t mean I’m the greatest communicator to have ever lived. I teach communication because I value it tremendously. It’s because I value it that I study it more. My hope is to pass on this value to you and your family. I’m still working to become a more competent and effective communicator (that will never end). I’m still studying my family and each members’ communication style. It’s very easy to critique them and offer suggestions as to how to “fix” their dysfunction. But it’s extremely difficult to change my own. Isn’t that the truth for all of us?
     I want to be changed. I want to be transformed. I want to be renewed into all that God wants me to be (Romans 8). But it must first come by submission. Submission to the fact that I don’t have it all together. Submission to the fact that I am a work in progress and that there are some much needed renovations in my life that still need to be done (and may never be complete this side of eternity). If we can start there I believe we have made significant transformative progress. It will be through moments like this where we may find God’s personal touch in our life. I think that it’s not only a great place to be, but a perfect place to live.

I Choose You

“You will always want your husband to be doing more than he is and he will always wants you to be more than you are.” – Matt Chandler

     I have issues. It goes without saying really, but for some reason people think I don’t. When they meet my wife they immediately think how wonderful she is because, well, she is! But guess what…..she has issues too! We all have them. We all struggle with them. We all try to war against them trying to either suppress or ignore them. We hope that in time they will somehow magically disappear. In my experience those issues hardly ever go away. If anything they multiply. They’re like gremlins (random 80’s reference). Just add water and there is suddenly an infestation.

     A good friend once told me that I needed to completely focus my time on writing about dating/engagement/marital issues. They said that there aren’t many blogs that explore this topic well enough for those who are in the thick of it. I’m not sure that I’m qualified to do something like that, but it most certainly interests me. If there has been something I wanted to champion it is strong relationships within marriage. Not because of the high divorce rate (although that’s a great reason), but because there is something about the greater picture of God’s plan that is on display in a martial relationship (I’m sure I heard that somewhere). I remembering hearing Matt Chandler speaking on marriage and he said,  “You will always want your husband to be doing more than he is and he will always want you to be more than you are.” There is so much about this that I’m not sure it can be captures in in one post, so this might be part one of many.

     There is something to the idea of complementary roles that husbands and wives tend to have. This last statement isn’t meant to stir up a debate on gender roles in the household. I’m not advocating an egalitarian or a complementation view of male and female roles. My point is to highlight that we are each created equally yet uniquely distinct. This applies to everyone. When it comes to the distinctions that Chandler makes, I tend to agree if it’s applied as a generalization. Not every woman wants her husband to be doing more than he is. Some actually want him to be more than they are (I’m not the only parent in this house!). The opposite is true as well. Not every man wants his wife to be more than she is. Some actually want her to simply do more (you can’t work full-time and cook me dinner?!). But if I can speak in general, this quotation sums it up really well.

     When you enter into marriage you bring all of these expectations into your home. These expectations are often based on experiences in your own families. But some of these expectations can be grossly distorted by a variety of unhealthy influences. When a couple decides to commit to each other for the rest of their lives they usually do not consider the fact that their spouse will never measure up to those expectations. He will never do everything she wants. She will never be everything he wants. This isn’t what most single adults want to hear because if you truly consider these things you may be completely turned off to marriage all together. But the power of marriage that is powerfully lasting is when a couple can come to the point where they realize that their expectation may never be met and choose each other anyway.

     I may not have chosen my wife with all of her issues in view and I am certain she didn’t choose me with all of my issues in view. If we had I don’t know if we would have jumped in so eagerly. But it’s part of the growth and development portion of marriage people don’t tell you about. You don’t realize that this area will probably take up the rest of your life (this is all without children). So, she may never be everything you want her to be, but who is? He may never do everything you want him to do, but who does?
     A strong healthy relationship will acknowledge these issues exist. A strong healthy relationship will promise to work on them even though it doesn’t come naturally. But most importantly, a strong healthy relationship will choose to love them in all their differences, in all their weaknesses, and in all their insufficiencies.  I think when we learn this we are one step closer to seeing the great love God has for us.  We’re also one step closer to understanding His purpose for marriage.

Inspiring Risk

     Yesterday was a really productive day at my home (which is why I didn’t post anything). I wasable to do some yard work, clean the garage, and put up some Christmas lights. In addition, my wife made some really tasty turkey noodle soup from the turkey she made for Thanksgiving. If you knew my wife you would be shocked by this last statement. Her cooking is somewhat of an anomaly. That isn’t meant as a jab towards her. She would be the first to acknowledge that she’s no Martha Stewart (pre-prison days). I will say that when she cooks (we’re talking like a couple times a year) it is always super tasty!

     Before you think I’m some kind of jerk for saying all that I want to add that it doesn’t bother me that she doesn’t cook. I knew long before we got married that this wasn’t something she liked to do. It also doesn’t help that she lived with her Nana (her grandmother) when we were dating and her food is hands down my favorite (well….it might be a tie between her Nana and her mom’s). We both take responsibility in trying to literally put food on the table. When people find out that we don’t cook and wonder what we eat every day (especially since we have kids), we often look at each other and laugh because we don’t know either (no, we’re not a top ramen family….although I think it's delicious).

     Thanksgiving evening we decided that it would be in our best interest that we refrain from joining the masses as they scratched and clawed their way to grab that black Friday deal, and instead decided to watch a movie called Chef. If you haven’t seen this movie I recommend you rent it or possibly even purchase it. I won’t give you all the details, but the movie follows a chef played by Jon Favreau who suddenly quits his job at a prominent Los Angeles restaurant after refusing to compromise his creative integrity. I’m not critic when it comes to movies, but I was really impressed with every aspect of the movie. But I was mostly impressed by how inspirational it was. When the movie ended my wife and were not only hungry by having our taste buds triggered by the delicious food that was made in the film, but we were also inspired.

     Obviously, my wife was inspired to whip up that turkey noodle soup after taking a risk in making a delicious turkey the day prior. It’s in those risks where we meet unknown challenges and figure out ways to overcome them, but it’s also in those risks that we discover new things about our character, our perseverance, and our ability to do something we’ve never done before. My wife would be the first to say that she is no chef. But it doesn’t mean that she can’t be one (and a really good one at that). She obviously made this Thanksgiving a very memorable one for our family. I was so proud of her effort, but I was even more proud of her taking a risk. Risks can often cause us to be fearful. But it’s in the risk where we discover that there is more inside of us that needs to be discovered and released. The interesting thing about that is that God already knows it’s there and He’s made it available for us to discover it if we want to take that risk.

     You may not be as inspired as I was watching this film, but my hope is that whenever you have the feeling of inspiration that you aren’t quick to shut it off or dismiss it. For those that actually read this blog, you know that this started off as an opportunity for me to share what God is doing in my life. This has been one of the risks I’ve taken in my life. I was never a good writer, my English/writing scores were always very low, and my reading comprehension scores were even lower. But I decided to take a risk and see what happened. It’s not a huge risk for me, but it’s a risk nonetheless. If there is any inspiration found in this one little post it’s that I’m not writing for me, but for those who need something a little extra today.

I pray you continue to discover what God has placed in you.

I pray that you would take the risk even though it might be challenging.

And I pray that you know that in those risks that you can be an inspiration to those around you.

Another Post About a Song

     What’s your favorite song of all time? That’s a really difficult question to answer, isn’t it? Because if it’s your favorite song then it must mean that you’ve listened to it so much that you may have grown a little tired of it. I never knew that I could have so much disdain for a song until I had children. Because of this we have implemented a rule that we do not play any children’s songs in our home (it’s more of an unspoken rule). I know what you might be thinking, “we’re depriving our kids,” but I don’t see it that way. I like to think that we’re saving them from impending rage or fury (that’s not meant to be funny).

     Just recently our youngest decided to resurrect the worst song ever written. I won’t even mention it here because I might relapse and find myself curled up on the floor in the fetal position (again). Isn’t it interesting how songs have such an influence on us (good or bad)? Some songs incite anger or disdain and others stir in us this excitement or inspiration.  A song often draws us in with its “catchiness” immediately hooks us. It could be a great beat, a nice tone of voice, a great riff, or a clever way they penned some words. But the best songs often have something really profound to say. Many times it has something to do with a relationship. It often includes themes like love, heartbreak, partying, and then love again.

     I was reviewing the Billboard’s Hot 100 songs of this year so far and many of these songs have the common themes I just mentioned. Just take a look at the top 5 this week:

Blank Space (T-Swift)

All About That Bass (Meghan Trainor)

Shake It Off (T-Swift again)

Animals (Maroon 5)

Habits (Tove Lo)

Each of these songs deals with love, heartbreak, partying, or all of the above.  If you ask any teenager or young person what their favorite song is chances are they’ll name one of these songs (unless they listen to country and in that case nobody cares). Is it the catchy beat? Maybe. Is it the excitement of the song? Possibly. Is it the message the artist is communicating? Likely. Is it the profound words the artists have forged deep within the soul in hopes to connect with the listener? Probably not.

     I’m not here to bash these songs or the artists. I actually like most of these songs, but they’re definitely not my favorite (nor will they ever be…..although I do like Maroon 5 a lot but that’s beside the point).  For a song to become a favorite for me it has to have layers. What I mean is that it can’t simply be a song that addresses what happens on the surface of a relationship or in life. I want a song with depth. I want a song that challenges me to think. I want a song that speaks truth even if it hurts. I want a little pain and a little agony. Not because I like those things, but because then I feel like I can trust what they’re saying. One of my favorites is not really a song that I sing a lot, but it’s one found in the Book of Psalms.

“For troubles without number surround me; my sins have overtaken me, and I cannot see. They are more than the hairs of my head, and my heart fails within me.” (Psalm 40:12)

     Doesn’t that make your heart all warm inside (wink face)? No! Absolutely not! At least not for me it doesn’t. I don’t know anyone who’s begging to cover that song. I never hear songs like this sung at karaoke night. No one is requesting to play that kind of song on any radio station. In my years of leading worship, no one has ever asked me to sing the one about where my sins have outnumbered me and have completely overwhelmed me in such a way that I can’t even see.

     Why is that? That’s what I asked myself the other day. Why is it that we often avoid these types of songs? After thinking about it at length I came to the conclusion that one reason might be that it’s too raw. What I mean is that songs like this seem to address the honest state of our hearts and souls and we’re not always comfortable with that. It’s often something we try to avoid altogether because we’ve become really good at pretending, masking, or numbing what’s really going on inside. The psalmist is honest, raw, open, and likely one step closer to freedom. Free from pretense. Free from the bondage of “having it all together.”

     I don’t think best songs need to sound great or have the catchy beat. I don’t think the best songs need to be the most popular. I think the best songs for me are the ones that tell a story. An honest story. One that resonates with humanity at a deeper level than what’s on the surface. It doesn’t have to say all the right words. It doesn’t even need to be catchy. It’s likely that it won’t be anywhere close to that. It just needs to be real. It just needs to be honest. The very best songs remind us that we’re not alone and that there is hope. It’s essentially the gospel story of redemption.
     There are many songs that fit that description, but I’ll leave you with one. I recently discovered this artist who I don’t know all that much about, but there is something about his songs that make me believe him. When he sings I can trust him because his words are honest. They may not always be reality, but at least he’s honest. Which is where I believe true life transformation begins. (Noah Gundersen)