I Choose You

“You will always want your husband to be doing more than he is and he will always wants you to be more than you are.” – Matt Chandler

     I have issues. It goes without saying really, but for some reason people think I don’t. When they meet my wife they immediately think how wonderful she is because, well, she is! But guess what…..she has issues too! We all have them. We all struggle with them. We all try to war against them trying to either suppress or ignore them. We hope that in time they will somehow magically disappear. In my experience those issues hardly ever go away. If anything they multiply. They’re like gremlins (random 80’s reference). Just add water and there is suddenly an infestation.

     A good friend once told me that I needed to completely focus my time on writing about dating/engagement/marital issues. They said that there aren’t many blogs that explore this topic well enough for those who are in the thick of it. I’m not sure that I’m qualified to do something like that, but it most certainly interests me. If there has been something I wanted to champion it is strong relationships within marriage. Not because of the high divorce rate (although that’s a great reason), but because there is something about the greater picture of God’s plan that is on display in a martial relationship (I’m sure I heard that somewhere). I remembering hearing Matt Chandler speaking on marriage and he said,  “You will always want your husband to be doing more than he is and he will always want you to be more than you are.” There is so much about this that I’m not sure it can be captures in in one post, so this might be part one of many.

     There is something to the idea of complementary roles that husbands and wives tend to have. This last statement isn’t meant to stir up a debate on gender roles in the household. I’m not advocating an egalitarian or a complementation view of male and female roles. My point is to highlight that we are each created equally yet uniquely distinct. This applies to everyone. When it comes to the distinctions that Chandler makes, I tend to agree if it’s applied as a generalization. Not every woman wants her husband to be doing more than he is. Some actually want him to be more than they are (I’m not the only parent in this house!). The opposite is true as well. Not every man wants his wife to be more than she is. Some actually want her to simply do more (you can’t work full-time and cook me dinner?!). But if I can speak in general, this quotation sums it up really well.

     When you enter into marriage you bring all of these expectations into your home. These expectations are often based on experiences in your own families. But some of these expectations can be grossly distorted by a variety of unhealthy influences. When a couple decides to commit to each other for the rest of their lives they usually do not consider the fact that their spouse will never measure up to those expectations. He will never do everything she wants. She will never be everything he wants. This isn’t what most single adults want to hear because if you truly consider these things you may be completely turned off to marriage all together. But the power of marriage that is powerfully lasting is when a couple can come to the point where they realize that their expectation may never be met and choose each other anyway.

     I may not have chosen my wife with all of her issues in view and I am certain she didn’t choose me with all of my issues in view. If we had I don’t know if we would have jumped in so eagerly. But it’s part of the growth and development portion of marriage people don’t tell you about. You don’t realize that this area will probably take up the rest of your life (this is all without children). So, she may never be everything you want her to be, but who is? He may never do everything you want him to do, but who does?
     A strong healthy relationship will acknowledge these issues exist. A strong healthy relationship will promise to work on them even though it doesn’t come naturally. But most importantly, a strong healthy relationship will choose to love them in all their differences, in all their weaknesses, and in all their insufficiencies.  I think when we learn this we are one step closer to seeing the great love God has for us.  We’re also one step closer to understanding His purpose for marriage.