The One I Love

     I love my wife! I think she is smart, clever, detailed-oriented, funny, sarcastic (good and bad), and stunningly beautiful. I could go on and on about her qualities and characteristics and about how much I enjoy many things about her. We’ve been married for 14 years and together for almost 18 years (That’s half my life!). I can honestly say that I love her way more than I did the day we got married. It may sound cliché but it’s true. I think she’s smarter than she used to be, she’s way more craftier (and I don’t mean she’s a DIY kind of girl), she’s smarter than I ever knew she was, she’s way more sarcastic than I remember, and her beauty to me is beyond compare.

     Now before you click away after reading all that gush, I want to add that everything you’ve read so far is 100 percent true. But it’s only part of the truth. Let me explain. When my wife and I were dating she could literally do no wrong. She could be mad at me, she could be upset that I did something stupid (which happened a lot), she could splash through an oil spot in a parking lot and then proceed to step inside my vehicle, rub her oily shoes all over my carpet and I couldn’t care less. All I cared about was that she was by my side. All that mattered to me was that she held my hand, told me she loved me, and supported me in what I did (sometimes only of those things were required). Oh the simple life! But the truth is that as the years go on you start to notice things that you could’ve sworn weren’t there before. You wonder, “Did she always chew so loudly?” “Has she always taken so long to get ready?” “Does she really want me to explain everything that happened in my day even though I don’t feel like it?”

     A couple I know that is currently dating told me two weeks ago that they never really fight or argue. I laughed loudly on the inside. I thought to myself, “It’s because you don’t really know her/him yet.” Instead I just smiled and said, “Good for you! But don’t worry if you do because disagreements are a part of being human.” It was my way of saying, “Don’t worry because it’s going to hit you like a wrecking ball when you least expect it! So, buckle up!” I couldn’t use those words because I didn’t want to scare them. Plus, at this stage of their relationship they wouldn’t receive a comment like that anyway.

     The truth about being human is that disagreement, arguing, heated discussions, and conflicts are a part of every long-term relationship. Avoiding them only prolongs the inevitable. They don’t all look the same and they are not always healthy, but they happen. They happen to good, healthy relationships and a lot more often than you think.

     My wife and I just returned from a vacation that was restful, relaxing, and fun. But mixed in between all that rest and fun were moments of discord. It was minimal, but they were certainly present. Our moments of conflict look much different than they did 10 years ago, but they are there and we acknowledge every one of them. We address them, we hash them out (sometimes longer than we like), but most importantly we learn and grow from them. I can’t say that growth and maturity are always the outcome, but as we continue to work on our relationship and marriage it’s certainly our desire.

     I know my wife and I still have much to learn. Her parents have been married for 37 years and mine for 41. We are surrounded by some fantastic marriages and wonderful examples. Our marriage is barely entering adolescence. We have lots of changes to go through and a lifetime of things to discover. But what I’ve learned so far is that I wouldn’t want to do all of this with anyone else. My wife is a different person today than she was 18 years ago. I’d like to think I am too. When I first fell in love with her I really thought I loved her. But what I’ve learned over the years is that I was in love with my idea of her (a very one-dimensional thing; and all the good things at that!). It wasn’t until I began to discover the parts she had kept at a deeper level, the part that only God knew (that fully known part), have I been able to fall in love with all of her. That sort of discovery takes time, dedication, and commitment to fully know someone as well as to be fully known and loved by them. What’s fascinating by it all is that it’s a lot like being loved by God.