Discipline and My Heart

What is discipline? It is difficult to define that which has so many negative connotations. So, instead of regurgitating what dictionary.com would say, I'm going to attempt to define what I believe discipline to be.

Discipline defined: Discipline is the art of collecting knowledge and learning a skill through training and experience that enables a person to act in a way that's both desirable and consistent. 

This definition may not be a great one, but it is certainly one that I can work with. I've acquired a lot of information, I've been trained in many ways, but have those ways enable me to act in a desirable and consistent manner? I think you already know the answer.

Sure, I "know" what discipline is. I have seen it in others and even witnessed it in my own life, but it seems to be something I find very elusive. Maybe you can relate. Whether it's my commitment to eat better, or to workout more, or finish what I started, I find it very difficult to remain consistent. I have often started a book only to come back to it a year later with a dog-eared page in the middle of the book. Then the thought comes to mind, "Why didn't I finish this?"

It's a great question really, but not one I ever truly answer. I tend to make excuses more often than not. "I got too busy", "I was reading three other books at the time", "Reality T.V. is so much easier and less time-consuming". Whatever the excuse, they never really answer the question. I think the reason is that I don't really want to admit the truth. The truth being that I'm not really that disciplined with most things in my life.

I have been told that I am an "easy-going, free-thinking, spontaneous, live-in-the-moment kind of person." "That's just who you are." In some ways (most ways actually) I agree with that assessment. One reason being is that it's easy. It is what comes natural to me. I am mister fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants. I don't like it, but that is who I am. You might say that I should embrace how I have been made. I get that, but that is not what I am talking about here. What I am talking about is there is a deep desire to to act in a way that is consistently healthy, healing, and beneficial to my life and the lives I influence on a daily basis.

That is why discipline is important to me. I don't have a grasp on it in every area of my life....but I'm learning. What the Bible has taught me more than anything else in the area of discipline is that I need to be aware of where my heart is at all times. 

In Proverbs 4 there is this famous phrase that reads, "Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it." The writer is saying to protect your heart because it's the source of life. Not just obvious physical life, but a more important spiritual life as well.

But the writer doesn't end there. He goes on to say, "Keep your mouth free of perversity; keep corrupt talk far from your lips." Essentially, what he is saying is that from the heart comes words out of your mouth that can have lasting effects.

The next verse says, "Let your eyes look straight ahead; fix your gaze directly before you." The writer is saying from the heart comes different thoughts so be mindful of where your sights are set. Where is your focus and what does that have to do with your heart? 

The next verse says, "Give careful thought to the paths for your feet and be steadfast in all your ways." What the writer is getting at is that from the heart comes certain actions as well.

The last verse in this chapter says, "Do not turn to the right or the left; keep your foot from evil." The writer is saying that our heart is so vital that it can dictate our direction and future.

If you're anything like me, when thinking about becoming more disciplined in an area of your life, you quickly think about what you need to change. Those changes are usually current habits, actions, or lifestyles that are not necessarily desirable. But if you examine this passage carefully, the writer is saying that if you really want discipline in your life, if you really want to be wise about your next step, it has less to do with your words, thoughts, or actions, and everything to do with your heart.

So for those who struggle with discipline....where is your heart? It's a difficult question sometimes. But if you're ever going to be able to truly change, if you're every going to be seriously disciplined, you must consider where your heart is first, do all that you can to guard it, and then enjoy the life the springs from there.

The Lightsaber Blues

I took my son to the store a while back because he wanted to go grocery shopping with me. I think he

just wanted to get out of the house. We don’t have much of a yard, so anything to get out of the house is a good day for my son. My son is a funny little trick God has played on me. You read that last statement correctly. As I watch my son grow up and observe his behavior he reminds me of me in so many ways. And every time I’m frustrated with him or have to discipline him, it reminds me of how difficult I must be to those around me (especially my wife).

When we were shopping for groceries, Silas kept asking me to go visit the toy aisle. After about 20 minutes of asking and me threatening him to throw out every toy that he has, I finally caved and followed him to this tiny little section of the store (I’m all bark and no bite). He proceeded to pick up a light saber and wield it around like a miniature Jedi. Part of me thought, I’m so glad he loves Star Wars as much as me. The other (meaner/parent) part thought, we’re not buying that because he has three other light sabers just like it at home.

I told him we needed to finish shopping and he could carry the light saber around while we finish, but he was not taking it home. He proceeded to tell me that we could just buy it. Oh, if things were this simple. I tried pulling this method out when passing by a home in an area that was way out of our price range. I leaned over to my wife and said, “We could just buy it.” She chose to ignore my comment.

As we were headed for the checkout line I told my son to put the light saber away because we were leaving. Completely disappointed he proceeded to give me that look. You know the one that you don’t have to teach them.  It’s that innate quality of making parents’ hearts break. Thankfully, I’m a little cold-hearted and more scared of my wife yelling at me because we went over budget for groceries that I didn’t give in to his tactics. So, I made him put it back and we walked out to the car after checking out.

Sulking in his sadness I buckled his seatbelt and climbed into the car and drove off. There were a few minutes of silence as we traveled down the road. I thought for a moment my son wasn’t going to talk to me the whole ride home. But then I heard it. It was the perfect sound to break the silence. My son pulled out a harmonica (from who knows where) and began to play his sad song. I did everything I could to hold in the laughter. I was so surprised by his outlet for sadness. I don’t play the harmonica and I can’t say we even listen to very many folk bands that feature this little French harp, but there he was playing the blues.

Some of the joys of parenting have been brought about by moments like this. There’s definitely no joy in my son’s sadness, but it’s been in the way he teaches me. Specifically, it’s been in the way he’s allowed me to see glimpses into my own life. I’ve learned more about my life, humanity, God, and everything in between because of this little boy. I realized that day how much God loves me even in my sulking. Even when I think I know what’s best for me and deserve to get what I’m asking for, God gently reminds me that His plans are better than mine and the what I need is much different than what I want. But I also learned something else that day. I learned that it’s okay to be sad when I don’t get what I want. Listening to that harmonica didn’t make me feel bad and give in to my son, but it did stir my affection for him even more. I think God wants to hear us cry out. I think He wants to hear us sulk a little, be sad for a time, and play the blues because we’re feeling down. Because it’s in those moments where the heart is tender. 

I know my son’s too young to understand the impact that he’s had on my life. But the truth is that I’ve learned so much from him, by him, and through him. I thank God every day for my kids. I’m thankful for the joy I have in raising them, teaching them, and leading them. But the real joy in all this has been what I’ve learned from them. [Raises coffee cup] Here’s to learning from them for the rest of my life!

Who Am I?

Where do I start? Many things have happened since the last time I wrote. Some good, so okay. But

none of the things that have happened in the passed 17 months have been bad. Or so I tell myself. If I were completely honest, the last year has been a struggle. Not a struggle to survive, but a struggle to realize who I am. Some would say they’re one in the same. Going through this myself I can see how that might be the case for some, but if this season of life has taught me anything, it’s that life is really great and that there is more to it than what presently may be giving you difficulty.

Like most people, I spent a good amount of time finding my identity in my job. Not that my job ruled my life, but that my job was a major part of what identified me. For men, it’s basically the only way we can sustain a lasting conversation. I hate asking people what they do for a living even though I still do it. The reason is that I usually get two responses that never seem very beneficial.

The first is from the person who loves their job. They proceed to tell me how great their life is because of their job. This is usually a good thing, but so much of their excitement is wrapped up in how their job makes them a better person (better than you that is). Their job hangs around their neck like a medal (a really big, shiny one that they keep polishing while they talk so you won’t forget it). They’re proud of it because in some sense they earned it, and in another sense because they find their value and worth in it.

The second response is from the person who doesn’t love their job. They are usually very uncomfortable telling you what they do (and try to avoid it like the plague. Maybe even try to change the subject). They’re very strategic in only revealing certain aspects of their job (“I work for Google”). Revealing whom you work for is often a cover to hide what you really do for a living (“I replace the urinal cakes for Google’s bathrooms”). I believe it’s because they don’t identify with scrubbing toilets or taking out the trash. Most don’t by the way. Very few find fulfillment in that (which is why I so appreciate those that do). Often times we don’t have a purpose other than to make money so that we can put food on the table. But most importantly, I believe people are uncomfortable disclosing their occupation because they don’t want you to identify them by their employment. Why? Well, because they don’t want you to base their value and worth in it and because it is most certainly not who they are.

The truth is that no occupation is who we are. Our jobs are not who we are, they are what we do. Our society may gauge our identity by our work but it’s not the truth. No job holds that kind of weight. Consider the President of the United States. I doubt his wife or his kids love him any more because he is the leader of the free world. And I doubt his mother or father would love him any less if he goes down as the worst president in our nations history (this is purely hypothetical and not a political statement). My point being is that it doesn’t matter what he or she does, it’s not who they are.

The most difficult time I’ve had in this season of life has been to find who I really am because I’ve identified myself with my previous job for so long (since I was 20 to be exact). Maybe you’ve done the same thing. Maybe it’s not even a job that you identify with. Maybe it’s your role as a parent or a student. Maybe it’s the weight of responsibility you feel. All of those things are part of what we do, but they aren’t who we are.

I’ve been a Christian since 1997. The year prior I was really having a difficult time. It culminated with some life changing events that caused me to question where I was headed. I surrendered to Jesus in January of that year. I had no clue what it meant to be a Christian, yet I was one. For those who are married you may have experienced a similar thing. The day of your wedding you were single and then a few hours later you were married. You were a husband or a wife in that moment, yet you had no clue what that meant. Maybe you’re a parent. You have also experienced a similar thing. In a moment you had no kids and then your baby is born and instantly you are a mommy or a daddy, yet you have no clue what that even means.

The truth is that you may not understand what it even means to be a mom, dad, husband or wife, but you are. You are those things and now you must learn what it means to do those things well. The same is true of being a Christian. The bible teaches that our identity is found in Christ and in Him alone. The bible uses very specific terms to help us understand who we are in Him.

Ephesians 1:4-5 says, “For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight. In love he predestined us to be adopted as his sons through Jesus Christ in accordance with his pleasure and will.” (NIV)

Identity looks very different for those who put their hope and trust in Jesus. We are chosen, we are holy, we are blameless, we are predestined to be adopted as God’s children.” It is who we are. We may have no idea what that means to live it out yet, but the truth is that it is who we are. Not your job that you hate. Not your occupation that you love. Those are things you do whether you enjoy them or not. Our identity is not found in things we do because there will be a day in our life where we can no longer do them. We try not to think about our mortality too much, but it’s the truth. We will get old some day (some sooner than others) and we will no longer be able to work. What happens then?

We were created with a purpose. God intentionally crafted us for good works. But those works were never intended to be our identity. Our good works are simply an opportunity to offer praise for his glorious grace. That’s the challenge for us. If our identity is truly in Christ, then it doesn’t matter what we do because it will always give us an opportunity to give God the glory that is due.

Not because of who I am

But because of what You’ve done

Not because of what I’ve done

But because of who You are

- Casting Crowns

I Will Wait

I'm very impatient. I don't like waiting for anything. To be honest, I don't think any of us like waiting. When driving our cars we always move over to get in the lane that is shortest. When deciding to check out of a grocery store, we eye the shortest line. Sometimes we even consider getting rid of a few items just so that we can stand in the 10 items or less line. Waiting sucks.

I realize that waiting is difficult for me in many different ways. And it's not because I always like to be first (contrary to what others think), but it's difficult for me because I actually think my timing is better. I think my idea of when things are supposed to happen is better.

I actually believe my plans are better!
............................my idea is better!
............................my timing is better!
............................my schedule is better!
............................my way is better!

This is a difficult truth for me to admit especially after typing it out. It's difficult because I realize how ridiculous it sounds. My wife and I waited 8 years before our son was born. Not because we wanted to wait that long, but because our timing wasn't better. We waited another 4 and a half years for our daughter. Not because we wanted to wait that long, but because our timing wasn't better.

I'm still waiting for lots of different things. I'm sure you are too. In the Bible, God's people did a whole lot of waiting. The Israelites waited a generation for many things. The book of Psalms records psalmist crying out, groaning, and longing for God to move in some mighty way because they grew weary of waiting. I can really resonate with that. But something hit me the other day that was prompted by an individual who does not know me very well (God tends to use the unexpected quite a bit). This individual said to me, "Stop looking ahead to what's next and be where you are." It may not sound like the most profound statement, but it's caused me to rethink a lot of things. I believe those simple words, "be where you are" carry a lot of weight for me. Probably more now than ever before.

So today, I'm trying to be where I am. I'm trying to embrace the now instead of clinging to the hope that's ahead. Not because hope is a bad things to hold onto, but because it often distracts us from what God is doing in us today. I have hope for many things in the future, but I don't want to miss out on today because I'm so focused on tomorrow.

Now I'll be bold as well as strong
And use my head alongside my heart
So tame my flesh and fix my eyes
A tethered mind freed from the lies

But I'll kneel down, wait for now
I'll kneel down know my ground

I will wait, I will wait for you

- Mumford & Sons

A Story That's Telling

I met someone Monday that left an imprint on me. I found myself enthralled as they shared some stories about how God had used them in so many amazing ways. One story included them going up to a random stranger because the Holy Spirit told them to share the gospel of Jesus. Reluctantly they went and after several interactions with this stranger, both bawled their eyes in the middle of the produce section at Albertson’s as this stranger was led to Christ.

There was another story they shared about a vision she had of a lamb falling and injuring itself severely. Immediately this person sprung up and began to pray for their pastor. Unbeknownst to them about 10 minutes later they receive a phone call from a friend at church that their pastor has severely broken his neck and is being air lifted to Loma Linda Medical Center. They prognosis was bad, but initiated by that vision and through the power of prayer God healed this pastor even though the doctors didn’t think it would happen.

This person kept telling me story after story. I never thought the stories would end. And in a way I didn’t want them to end. But what amazed me about this individual was not the miraculous ways in which God used them. No, what amazed me was their excitement and passion and infectious love for Jesus.

So, the first thing I asked myself when I left that meeting was, “Is that how people feel after they’ve spoken with me?”

Honestly, I know the answer. But what’s the solution?

I left that meeting thinking, “How can I be more like this person?” All they did was tell stories. They didn’t exegete a text in Scripture. They didn’t contrast two opposing theologies or use some apologetic strategy to appeal to my interest or sway me to believe a certain way. All I knew is that they knew Jesus. All I knew was that this person truly knew their Father in Heaven. It was evident that this person had a great affection for their God. And all I could think about was how infectious it was. I kept thinking about how my life would look if my affection for him were only a fraction of theirs.

I was moved by this person and their stories. But what moved me the most was their passionate excitement and tender affection for the God who saves; for the God who loves; for the God who redeems. And what I noticed about this child of God was that she emulated that same saving grace, unfailing love, and redemptive compassion that their Father possess. It was truly like speaking to one of His own.

John 13:35

Anyone There?

It’s been so long that I’ve almost forgotten what it’s like to express all that is going on in my life. It seems these days I’ve been bottling up everything inside. So, now everything on my inside wants to be on my outside (inside joke).

I was reading something today that had nothing to do with writing, yet it inspired me to sit down in front of my computer and type away. The following words may seem a bit jumbled, but I believe in some way it will be therapeutic for me. Not for healing sake, but for growth sake (if that makes any sense).

I created this blog mostly to share some of my joys and frustrations in life. Another side to this blog was to invite others into areas of my life where God has continued to teach me, break me, mold me, and redeem me. This space has also been, in many ways, an opportunity for me to express what going on inside of me (which can be frightening at times). I wish I could explain all that takes place in my mind and heart, but it would truly be nonsensical. Mostly because if you were to hear what goes through my mind before I speak I’d probably be admitted to some institution. So, with gratitude, this blog has forced me to simplify. Specifically, to simplify how fortunate I am that God is truly mindful of me.

As most people who read my blog know, my aim in starting this blog wasn’t to become a skilled writer (duh!). It certainly wasn’t to miraculously become a better speaker (duh again!). But for some reason I had this strong desire to give those who would visit my blog a reason to read. I wanted them to have something of value. I wanted them to have something tangible to set their feet upon, but also to give them hope.

I entered a season in my life not too long ago that has been difficult. I left something very familiar to me, very comfortable, very easy. The least challenging thing for me to do at the time would have been to remain where I was and continue to do what I’ve always done. But I couldn’t do that. Well, I guess I “could” have done that, but I don’t believe that would have been the right thing. I needed to listen. I needed to listen to what God had put on my heart years before. And not only did I need to listen, but I needed to respond to what He was calling me to do. I need to respond as an act of obedience. Not out of obligation, but out of a joyful and trusting obedience acknowledging that God truly is in control.

I think that’s the issue in which one has the most trouble. You want to be in control. Even if you’re not a control freak, you want to have control. You want to dictate what, when, and how you do whatever it is you want to do. So, when God calls, we only want to answer if it’s on our terms. We don’t want to answer on God’s terms. Why? Because it can be too risky. And we don’t want to risk. We want to be obedient of course, but we don’t want obedience that demands an explanation; that demands an account for our actions. We often steer clear of living our lives in a way that requires others to ask, “why?” “Why did you leave? Why did you go? Why are you leaving something that’s so comfortable? So simple? So easy?”

I wish I could give an answer that made sense. But I believe that’s God’s point, isn’t it? We want answers, but only answers that fit our terms. We only want answers that are reasoned our way, by our thoughts, in our time.

This sounds a lot like my 3-year old son to me. He only wants to hear the answers he wants to hear. He only wants to hear the answers that his undeveloped 3-year old brain has mustered up. It’s not that he isn’t a smart kid. It’s just that his ways and his thoughts are not my own. He wants to understand on his terms and often can’t seem to get his mind around why I’m not doing things “his way”.

All I want is my son to realize that there can be a great joy that results by obeying his dad. Not because I want to be a dictator, but because I love him. Because I have a great affection for him. Because I’m mindful of him.

So, I’m in a season right now. A season of relinquishing control. And God is redeeming that in me. He’s allowed me experience things I haven’t experienced in a while. He’s allowed me to enjoy some things I haven’t enjoyed in a while. He’s also allowed me to ache for things I haven’t ached for in a while. And it’s causing me to appreciate Him. He’s giving me perspective. He’s giving me struggle. He’s even giving me pain. But He’s also giving me hope. A hope that my ways can actually become God’s ways.

Isaiah 55:8

Distracted

I’m a pretty distracted person (the understatement of the year). What I mean is that it doesn’t take much for my mind to wander and for my thoughts to lead down a road that is often time-consuming and even unhealthy (candy is my kryptonite). Even today as I attempt to write down my thoughts I’m distracted by the traffic coming in and out of my “second office”. It usually includes a parade of random people drawn by the same addiction to pump caffeine through their veins (no judgment…just simply stating a fact).

So, it is no wonder that I have a hard time paying attention. I never notice my lack of focus until I speak to someone who is just as distracted as me. Talking to people like this is pretty much pointless. You and I know they aren’t listening. I think most people know, but we keep talking hoping our distracted “listener” will jump back in at some point of our “conversation”. I’m well aware of this dance because I do it all the time. And for anyone reading this just know that I’ve “NEVER” done that with you. ;)

As I dwelled on how distracted I was even writing that last two paragraphs, I began to “wonder” (that’s code for being distracted) how often I am truly present with people. I realize how annoying it is when someone isn’t present with me, but it made me think of how truly rude I’ve been during conversation with friends, family, my wife, and even my 3-year-old son. Even during these few short minutes I’ve checked Facebook, Twitter, and the instant message chat I’m having with my wife (did I mention how rude I am?). It’s a problem, I know. I don’t like it. I don’t want to be this way. And I refuse to say, “that’s just the way I am”, because I hate (that’s so harsh…..how about “strongly dislike”) that phrase when applied to things I can change but choose not to.

But all this talk about being distracted and how I’m not fully present even with my own family made me wonder (again, code), “Is this how I am with God?” I had to ask myself, “Am I present with God?” I think of all the times I’ve fallen asleep praying in bed, on the floor, on the couch, standing up, in the car (that last one is true and I hate to admit that). And then I’m like, “I’m an idiot! How can I ever be truly connected with God if I’m not even present with Him?” Then to add insult to injury God shows me this passage in Hebrews.

“In the days of his flesh, Jesus offered up prayers and supplications, with loud cries and tears, to him who was able to save him from death, and he was heard because of his reverence.” (Hebrews 5:7)

The part that stuck out to me was “and he heard because of his reverence.” Who heard? God heard. Why? Because of his reverence. Who’s reverence? Jesus’ reverence.

So, because of Jesus’ reverence, because of his deep respect and devotion toward God the Father, God heard his prayers, humble pleading, cries and tears.

God heard Jesus’ prayers because of his reverence. If this is true then it implies something here. That maybe there are times when God doesn’t hear us. I know that doesn’t sound right. But the Bible is filled with the evidence that shows God doesn’t listen to all of our prayers for one reason or another. And I began to wonder, with all that is going on in my life, that maybe He’s not hearing mine because of my lack of reverence. Maybe he isn’t listening to me because I’m so distracted by everything else in my life that it’s caused a disconnect between Him and me. I don’t want to admit this, but the more I think about it and the more I study it, the more I believe the convicting truth that maybe God isn’t listening to me.

Often times God tells His people to shut it down. Shut the doors, shut the noise, shut your mouths, and stop giving me lip service. He tells His people time and time again that we should fear Him, revere him, and honor Him. And not with our words, not with our noise, but with our hearts, with our minds, and with our actions. And honestly, I can’t say I’ve been doing that. I want so badly for Him to give me clear direction, yet I’m so completely distracted by other things I don’t even give adequate time to revere Him. I am not fully present with Him nor do I truly realize my dependency on the fact that He deserves all of me and my response to that is, “here’s 5 minutes, God. I’ll try to squeeze you into my schedule if there’s time.” Jesus realized His dependency. He realized it in the days of his flesh. My prayer is that I can too.

To be continued……