Breathing Words of Life

“The mouth of the righteous is a fountain of life…” – Proverbs 10:11

     If you knew me before Jesus changed my life, you would have certainly heard a completely different set of vocabulary. Let’s just say that it was limited to a few select four-letter words. In addition to my fabulous lexicon I was a pretty selfish person. Unfortunately, I’m still dealing with some of that residual to this day. Thankfully Jesus is still redeeming many areas of my life.

     Words can be extremely hurtful, but they also have the ability to be tremendously powerful. I have not only received hurtful words, but I have regrettably used my fair share as well in almost every relationship. I think that’s very normal for must human beings. We say the things that we should not say and refrain from expressing the words we should; words that are powerful, inspirational, uplifting and life-giving.

     If you have read any book on relationships (i.e. dating, martial, friendship), you have most likely come across content that encourages the reader to speak more words of affirmation. What are words of affirmation? Simply put they are words that bring encouragement and inspiration that breathe life into a person’s soul. We all need this, but what I find is that we rarely hear it. I have some friends who are so good at breathing life into people. I wish I could hang out with these people all day long. They are my favorite people to be around because their words are powerful. I’m sure you know people like this. But my question for you is this: Are you this person?

     I spent last weekend with some friends who I absolutely adore. They are the living example of the people I have been describing. They encourage me, they inspire me, and they breathe life back into me almost every time I am with them. This last Saturday we celebrated one of their birthdays. Later that evening there was an opportunity for everyone to share an experience we had with our friend. What could have turned into a Comedy Central Roast, ended up being one of the most amazing experiences. One after another each person shared a funny story they had with our friend. Some were hilarious and some rather embarrassing. But the common thread in all our stories was how our friend breathed life back into all of us. I sat there listening to everyone share these amazing words and Proverbs 10:11 came to mind. He has been a righteous mouth and a fountain of life to so many people. I was witnessing the fruit of my friend’s ministry to his students, their parents, and close friends. He has poured words of affirmation out to so many people that we were able to listen to the return of those powerful words. It was not only a gift to him, but a blessing for all of us.

     I left that weekend wondering what if we were all like this? What if we all spoke words of affirmation to those around us? What if we simply said powerful and inspiring words to the people in our life every single day? What if instead of knowing people that are like this…..what if we became those people? Will it be difficult? I’m sure. Will it take practice? Everything worth doing takes practice. I have no doubt the lives around us would be better for it, but truth be told, I think our lives would be transformed by it. I know my life has already because of some amazing people who choose to breathe life into me. My hope is that I can do the same to those around me.

Check The Label

     Are you a person that checks labels? Maybe you check the label when shopping for clothes. It irritates me when I grab an item of clothing and it’s mislabeled (stupid slim fit!). Maybe you check food labels to be sure that your consumption doesn’t send you into anaphylactic shock. My brother once ate a bowl of fruit (note: he is allergic to most fruit) and his entire face swelled up like the scene from the movie Hitch starring Will Smith. It was a pretty scary situation but mostly because he looked like a warthog and he was scaring the children nearby and not because he was struggling to breath (that was only slightly scary).

     Labels can be really irritating sometimes too. Especially when they’re made from that scratchy burlap sack material. It shocks me to see that there are still some clothes that have what seems like a giant Costco receipt on the inside of your shirt. Thank goodness for tag less clothing! Although there are times when labels are annoying, they can certainly serve us well with helpful and often necessary information. They sort of serve as an identity marker or a way in which we can distinguish its contents or care.

     Identity is a funny thing when it comes to people. We have an identity that distinguishes every human being via DNA or fingerprints, but then we have identities that are much more collective and form the basis of our self-concept (a collection of gender identity, sexuality, racial identity, academic performance, etc). But as much as we are aware of how we perceive ourselves we are not always aware of how God sees us.

     Romans 8:15-17 reminds those who have come to a belief or faith in God that there are several important things that need to be repeated. The passage says that we are adopted as children of God, and if we’re children then we are heirs. That means we in are inheritors. But inheritors of what? Christ’s pain but also His beauty and splendor. Meaning, we share not only the pain He went through, but we share the pain we will have to go through (and we’re probably really familiar with our struggles). But it doesn’t end there. The passages reads that we will also share in His glory or beauty or splendor. Meaning, that we no longer need to identify ourselves by our mistakes or wrongdoings. We no longer need to identity ourselves by our failure and addiction. We no longer need to identify ourselves with inadequacy or devoid of any worth. God calls us His children. He gives us a new identity. An identity in Christ as sons and daughters.

     I kind of see it like this: I have two children. The moment I found out we were going to have them my heart leapt with joy. As I held them each as they were ushered into this world I realized that no words could ever describe the way that I felt in that moment. I knew right then and there that I would do anything for them. I knew I would give my life for them, but I also knew I would do whatever it takes to protect theirs as well (even if it meant me taking some fools out!).

     What’s laughable now is that these kids had done nothing to earn my love. In fact, they still haven’t done anything that would warrant the love I have for them. If they’ve done anything it’s give me reason to question my love for them (which I haven’t by the way). They’ve cost me money, sleep, patience, time, money, and sleep. They bring nothing to the table in regards to pulling their weight in our household (although the oldest is pulling weeds now so there’s that). They haven’t purchased a single gift without the help of their mother and yet my love has never wavered. Why do you think that is? Well, I have no other reason that I can come up with other than the fact that they are simply mine. They are special to me no matter if no one else feels the way I do. They brought me tears of joy when before I met them and they bring me tears of joy when I think of them now. They don’t know this yet, but the day they became my children I gave them an identity. They became my children. They became my gifts that I would always love and always protect. Their value to me is priceless. It’s really unbelievable to me that I feel the way I do about them. What’s fascinating about this entire experience is that it’s given me perspective, I believe, on how God sees and feels about me. I know it is only a glimpse, but it is definitely a glorious one that I need to be reminded of time and time again.

     My identity, your identity, our identity is not only a collection of DNA, fingerprints, or beliefs about ourselves, but more importantly it’s the way God sees and feels about us. The only label we need to check is the one God places on us. We are His children and we belong to Him. We are special to Him so much so that He gave His life for us. He will fight for us to protect us because we are priceless to Him.

     I don’t know about you, but I need to hear that. Not because I doubt His love for me all these years, but because I forget. Maybe you’ve forgotten who you are. I pray you see the love of God that’s been lavished on you and may you be found not in the collection of what you believe about yourself, but in the God who loves you and has loved you long before you were born.

The Weight of Context

“For although they knew God, they neither glorified him as God nor gave thanks to him, but their thinking became futile and their foolish hearts were darkened. Although they claimed to be wise, they became fools and exchanged the glory of the immortal God for images made to look like a mortal human being and birds and animals and reptiles.” – Romans 1:21-23

     One of the most difficult things in my reading of the bible has been trying to grasp context. It’s never as simple as we might think, but it’s always enlightening once we’re able to find our way into the shoes of those who first heard it and imagine how those words would impact our life. We can never fully comprehend all the nuances, but we can begin to live our lives in light of our newly acquired insight.

     It's a pretty amazing about bible passages. A quick glance at a passage can certainly have immediate impact. But it isn’t until we begin to uncover the story and learn how people lived and how they would have received such profound information, when it can have a significant impact on you and me.

     I’ve read this passage above many times. But in all of those readings I’ve always read them with 21^st century eyes. You can certainly gain a lot from that alone, but it doesn’t mean you understand everything that was being said. I don’t have to imagine people today who do not glorify God or give thanks to Him for anything because I know some. I don’t have to search hard or long to find people whose thoughts are futile and hearts are foolish. Again, I know some people like this. I’ve even witnessed people in my life make the deliberate choice to exchange the worship for the Creator of the universe for something much less and made by human hands. I think we all have. It’s not difficult to see things with 21^st century eyes because it’s very evident that this stuff still happens. It’s actually one of the beautiful truths of scripture in that passages that were written so long ago can still apply and impact us today.

     This post isn’t about exegeting the passage if that’s what you were hoping for (sorry if I mislead you).  My point in drawing attention about the importance of context is that we need to look at humanity the same way. I listen to people share their story with me quite often. I hear the pain they are in and I listen to their cries. It can be a very difficult place to be in sometimes, but I can’t always put myself in their shoes; at least not to the fullest extent. Sure, I have experienced my share of personal burdens, but in some way I can never fully understand with total confidence what others are going through. At times I find myself saying things like, “I totally understand” or “I know how it feels” and other ignorant statements such as these as I try to somehow comfort people. I realize that this isn’t exactly what people are looking for. I often focus on trying to help them get through their context and not enough time simply listening and trying to understand their context in order that they know that I’m there to walk with them. It’s often in my walking with them that God shows me what it means to truly understand context.
     There’s a lot to learn from a simple reading of a passage like this, but more to gain when you understand the context. Once you begin to do that you’ll often find yourself sitting with the weight of it. It isn't until then will you discover the deeper and profound truth that it has on you.

Forcing Our Fixes

     We all have them. Fixes, that is (not sure that's grammatically correct). Things that aren't working the way we would like them to work. Things that seem a little off; maybe broken. Many people try to mask those things in hopes to hide them from others. Some try to numb the pain that is presently causing their insides to twist and knot. But all have them....all of us have fixes.
     When I was a kid I wanted to help my dad fix things. I knew I wouldn't be of any help, but I just wanted to be around him and watch him fix it. I remember hovering over the engine of a car that he was trying to fix wanting to learn what he knew. Unfortunately, I hovered too closely and was in the way more than anything else. But I knew then that my dad liked to fix things too. I also knew that he didn't necessarily want my help either. I think we're all kind of like that in some way where you don't think you need help, so you try to fix things on your own.
     With all the "experience" I have in attempting to fix my problems, I just so happen to be really great at fixing others' too. Aren't we all (insert sarcasm)? I think I'm actually better at fixing others than I am at fixing me. Well....I'd like to think I am. I certainly have a lot to say about the issues and problems of others than I do for my own. I think if we're honest, we all think we are really good at giving advice to others. Some of us think we're professional problem solvers.....just not very good to listening to our own.
     I've had some really good conversations this week. I've learned a lot over the past couple of days about problems and those who try to fix them. What I gathered was that I'm no different when it comes to trying to fix my own problems. I often say to myself, "I don't want anyone's help, I didn't ask for anyone's help and I certainly don't need anyone's help." It isn't until you realize that every one of these statements are lies that you begin to stop trying to force your fixes.
     Often times our lives feel really messed up. Sometimes it seems like complete chaos, other times it just feels out of sync or rhythm. You're certainly not alone in this. I feel it every so often. Especially when I'm shouldering other's fixes and they're holding in their hands what seems like shattered pieces of their life. They turn to me for help. I do my best to try and offer support and ideas, but what I realize every single time is that there is no way for me to put them back together. We try and try, but we know we can't because that's what many of us try to do on our own and it never works. It's pretty overwhelming when you feel helpless.
     I used to be so frustrated and overwhelmed by my fixes. It wasn't until I realized that I was trying to put something back together that I had no ability to do. It wasn't until I realized that I couldn't fix my brokenness, fractured parts, and missing pieces..........but that God could. It wasn't until I slowed down, opened my hands, and surrendered all of those fragments I was trying to piece together when I realize that it isn't my job to do that; it's His. The moment I realized this a lot of things began to leave me. Things like worry, fear, bitterness, attitudes, self-pity had all been things I was clenching to in hopes to forcibly fix myself. It's one thing to go through this yourself, but it's another thing to watch others go through this too.
     I know I don't have all the answers. But I certainly believe God does. I know that I can't fix others' problems, but I know God can.....because He did it for me. As a matter of fact, He's still doing it. If I don't slow down for a minute, let go of those broken pieces I want to fix so badly, and surrender those over to Him, I'll keep trying to fix something I can never fix. Our souls recognize lack and want it gone so badly. But it's only through the power of the gospel where we can truly find redemption; it's that true deliverance we need.

What Lies Beneath

“But blessed are those who trust in the Lord and have made the Lord their hope and confidence. They are like trees planted along a riverbank, with roots that reach deep into the water. Such trees are not bothered by the heat or worried by long months of drought. Their leaves stay green, and they never stop producing fruit.” – Jeremiah 17:8

     As a child growing up we had a tree in our front yard that we would try to climb when our tennis ball or whiffle ball would get wedged in one of its branches. It was pretty annoying because the branches were so mangled together it made it difficult to squeeze through and tear the ball away from its clutches (yes, they have clutches). Often times my brother and I had to wait days for the wind to knock our ball out, which is probably why we made up a lot of games to occupy the time as we waited for gravity to take its course.

     I had never taken notice or appreciation for trees in my youth. They were always just an obstacle or nuisance preventing me from enjoying my game. There were rare occasions when the shade was appreciated, but never the tree. As a matter of fact, I can’t say I truly appreciate them even now. I see the value now more than I had when I was younger, but I’m not sure I wake up thanking God for creating them (whatever, don’t judge me).

     I can’t say I ever wake up thinking about trees or plant life at all for that matter. However, when I read a passage like the one above and I think of trees and how the bible references them, my thoughts immediately take me back to the beginning in Genesis 2 where there are two trees with great significance and the one in Revelation 22. Then I think of Psalm 1 where the psalmist writes about the trees planted by streams of water. Then there are the palms and cedars mentioned in Psalm 92 including all the references and analogies about how we are to be like trees bearing fruit in our lives.

     With all these wonderful images the Bible uses I often overlook how truly amazing trees really are. Take for example the olive tree. This tree is notable for several reason, namely its branch making a cameo after the flood as well as the mount where Jesus prayed.

     What’s fascinating about this tree when you see it is how incredibly twisted it can grow, especially the ones arborists say are thousands of years old. They’re stumpy, weather-beaten, and have overcome several lifetimes of resistance (sounds like someone I know). But what is so interesting about this incredible tree is that even if its above-ground structure has completely died and has no visible signs of growth, its root systems are so resilient and strong, a living tree can actually restore back to life the parts that seemed beyond recovery (can you see where I’m going?).

      Isn’t that the picture of what the gospel is all about? Redemption, restoration, new life, a much bigger story than we could ever imagine. One where we are not trying to simply pick up the pieces that have fallen apart or completely spliced off, but that deep down underneath the surface, where no one else can see, without the help of our own, where what seemed dead and gone, God brings back to life and restores what could never be restored on its own. He takes all of that was dead, broken, and dried up and beyond repair and saturates that lifeless space over and over again.

     This, my friends, is a picture of what He’s done in my life. It’s what He’s done in my relationship with my wife. It’s what He continually does in our family’s life and it’s what He can do with yours.

The One I Love

     I love my wife! I think she is smart, clever, detailed-oriented, funny, sarcastic (good and bad), and stunningly beautiful. I could go on and on about her qualities and characteristics and about how much I enjoy many things about her. We’ve been married for 14 years and together for almost 18 years (That’s half my life!). I can honestly say that I love her way more than I did the day we got married. It may sound cliché but it’s true. I think she’s smarter than she used to be, she’s way more craftier (and I don’t mean she’s a DIY kind of girl), she’s smarter than I ever knew she was, she’s way more sarcastic than I remember, and her beauty to me is beyond compare.

     Now before you click away after reading all that gush, I want to add that everything you’ve read so far is 100 percent true. But it’s only part of the truth. Let me explain. When my wife and I were dating she could literally do no wrong. She could be mad at me, she could be upset that I did something stupid (which happened a lot), she could splash through an oil spot in a parking lot and then proceed to step inside my vehicle, rub her oily shoes all over my carpet and I couldn’t care less. All I cared about was that she was by my side. All that mattered to me was that she held my hand, told me she loved me, and supported me in what I did (sometimes only of those things were required). Oh the simple life! But the truth is that as the years go on you start to notice things that you could’ve sworn weren’t there before. You wonder, “Did she always chew so loudly?” “Has she always taken so long to get ready?” “Does she really want me to explain everything that happened in my day even though I don’t feel like it?”

     A couple I know that is currently dating told me two weeks ago that they never really fight or argue. I laughed loudly on the inside. I thought to myself, “It’s because you don’t really know her/him yet.” Instead I just smiled and said, “Good for you! But don’t worry if you do because disagreements are a part of being human.” It was my way of saying, “Don’t worry because it’s going to hit you like a wrecking ball when you least expect it! So, buckle up!” I couldn’t use those words because I didn’t want to scare them. Plus, at this stage of their relationship they wouldn’t receive a comment like that anyway.

     The truth about being human is that disagreement, arguing, heated discussions, and conflicts are a part of every long-term relationship. Avoiding them only prolongs the inevitable. They don’t all look the same and they are not always healthy, but they happen. They happen to good, healthy relationships and a lot more often than you think.

     My wife and I just returned from a vacation that was restful, relaxing, and fun. But mixed in between all that rest and fun were moments of discord. It was minimal, but they were certainly present. Our moments of conflict look much different than they did 10 years ago, but they are there and we acknowledge every one of them. We address them, we hash them out (sometimes longer than we like), but most importantly we learn and grow from them. I can’t say that growth and maturity are always the outcome, but as we continue to work on our relationship and marriage it’s certainly our desire.

     I know my wife and I still have much to learn. Her parents have been married for 37 years and mine for 41. We are surrounded by some fantastic marriages and wonderful examples. Our marriage is barely entering adolescence. We have lots of changes to go through and a lifetime of things to discover. But what I’ve learned so far is that I wouldn’t want to do all of this with anyone else. My wife is a different person today than she was 18 years ago. I’d like to think I am too. When I first fell in love with her I really thought I loved her. But what I’ve learned over the years is that I was in love with my idea of her (a very one-dimensional thing; and all the good things at that!). It wasn’t until I began to discover the parts she had kept at a deeper level, the part that only God knew (that fully known part), have I been able to fall in love with all of her. That sort of discovery takes time, dedication, and commitment to fully know someone as well as to be fully known and loved by them. What’s fascinating by it all is that it’s a lot like being loved by God.

Valued Communication

     As the year is coming to an end I’m trying to plan for next year and what I really want to write about. This blog was originally intended to be nothing more than a place for me to express my thoughts, experiences, and maybe even vent a little bit (that hasn’t happened all that much). It was created with the hope that someone might stumble upon it and connect with something I shared and find out that they’re not alone in this life. But the purpose in that would be that readers would ultimately discover that there is a God, a Creator, an all-knowing and all-powerful being who is mindful of humanity. Hence the name “mindful of me.”

     The goal for next year remains the same, but it may include some very specific things such as singleness, relationships, dating, premarital and marital topics. When I wrote the last post a lot of things stirred up in me that caused me to reflect on my life. I’m a communications major who pursued a master’s degree in interpersonal communication (although I didn’t finish the program). If you knew my upbringing at all you would know that this area was not a strong suit (which may have been the reason I was so drawn to it). If my family were good at something communicatively, it would have been arguing and yelling (and anything sports related). It wasn’t that we didn’t know how to communicate we just didn’t know how to do that competently and effectively. As I studied my family history I could see how this ineffectiveness had been passed on from generation to generation. What I learned by studying my family’s communication history was that it explained why I grew up speaking and listening the way I did. It helped make sense as to why disagreements often escalated resulting in hurt, pain, and deterioration. The benefit in this research and discovery was the fact that I realized it could end with me. It didn’t have to be passed on to my kids. But the only way that I could ensure this wouldn’t happen would be to make significant changes in my life.

     Just because your family has a history of something (dysfunctional communication, anger, alcohol, abuse, etc.) it doesn’t mean it must continue. Sure, there are certain things that are passed on in our DNA (looks, laughs, voice, height, male pattern baldness J). When it comes to communication, this is an area that can change. Except that this kind of change comes with great difficulty.

     You realize how difficult this is in your interpersonal relationships that aren’t even at an intimate level. We all have very close friends (hopefully…..maybe one close friend). It is likely that we will have no problem spending the entire day with said friend(s). We might even spend a weekend away together celebrating an occasion. But that’s really when it’s time to part ways and go home to your sanctuary because you really can’t take much more of them. However, sometimes people feel like it would be a good idea and become roommates. What first sounds like a great idea and opportunity to share expenses, household chores and have more financial freedom, often results in a communication nightmare. The first week goes really well. Both of you are trying to adjust to the new bathroom schedule and bedtimes/wake up times. There might be times occasions you realize that that they keep their room a certain way that’s different than how you keep yours. You may open the fridge and find that the food you saved last night is no longer where you left it. You might also open up the cupboards and pick out your favorite snack and realize there is only one cookie left and it’s more crumbs than anything else. You may also find out things at the most inopportune times. Like when using the bathroom you discover that your new roommate forgot to replace the toilet paper and to your dismay there are no extra roles underneath the sink.

     These are all scenarios that people encounter when living with another person. Which makes good interpersonal communication skills an extremely valuable asset/tool. In a friendship relationship these things will most certainly get addressed sooner than if the relationship was an intimate one. The reason is that a couple is usually blinded by their feeling of “love” for each other. You’re often less concerned if they leave the toilet seat up, leave a mountain of clothes on the floor, stack clutter all over the kitchen table or drink directly out of the milk carton. Your idiosyncrasies are forgivable because they “love you just the way you are” (Billy Joel anyone?) But the problem with this is that it often delays couples from communicating early and often when problems arise. I’ve counseled more couples whose metaphorical house was completely engulfed in flames when they should have come to me when the fire was contained to the kitchen stove. Why do couples do this? Because it’s usually how things were done in the home they grew up in. Issues weren’t discussed. No one asked for help. No one sought real change (especially communicatively). Before long the deterioration goes on for so long there is slim chance for repair and termination looms.

     Well, now doesn’t that sound happy and fun (it better not)? I sincerely hope to have at least heightened the value of interpersonal communication. I know I haven’t really provided you with any tools, but stay tuned in the posts to come. I’m not expert in the study of communication. Even though I teach it, I’m still not a professional. I tell all my students that just because I teach communication courses it doesn’t mean I’m the greatest communicator to have ever lived. I teach communication because I value it tremendously. It’s because I value it that I study it more. My hope is to pass on this value to you and your family. I’m still working to become a more competent and effective communicator (that will never end). I’m still studying my family and each members’ communication style. It’s very easy to critique them and offer suggestions as to how to “fix” their dysfunction. But it’s extremely difficult to change my own. Isn’t that the truth for all of us?
     I want to be changed. I want to be transformed. I want to be renewed into all that God wants me to be (Romans 8). But it must first come by submission. Submission to the fact that I don’t have it all together. Submission to the fact that I am a work in progress and that there are some much needed renovations in my life that still need to be done (and may never be complete this side of eternity). If we can start there I believe we have made significant transformative progress. It will be through moments like this where we may find God’s personal touch in our life. I think that it’s not only a great place to be, but a perfect place to live.